Short Circuited

When you ask me about my favorite part of the morning, I might respond in 4 different ways:

1. When I walked into the kids' room to find NatureBoy completely nude, but his sister in the corner trying to hide the fact that she was wearing his pajamas.
2. When the kids ran out of the room and I had to slow them down by reminding them that they forgot their clothes and NatureBoy said, "Sowwy Mama."
3. When I asked the kids what they wanted to see and RebaRobotLover wanted to see Short Circuit, but her brother wanted to watch Pingu.  She said, "But I gotta watch Number 5 before you watch Pingu."  Taking turns.  Awww.
4. When I handed NatureBoy his cereal and he proceeded to stand behind me in the kitchen swinging his bowl around while singing the alphabet song.  I told him to take his cereal to the table.  Surprisingly, he did.

Happy Mother's Day?

Check.

A Star Is Born

This year we decided to get the kids Easter baskets that had more gifts they could trash my floor with enjoy and less candy for us them to eat.  What we ended up with was a pink basket with "rock star" themed toys for her (that he would totally play with) and a big truck basket for him (no seriously, it just had a truck in it...I'm not even sure why they bothered with the basket).

While TommyTruckMan is using his new truck as a roller skate, SallySuperStar has decided that today is the first day of her illustrious career as a rock star.

SallySuperStar: Mama, I can't wait to be a star.

Awesomeness: Well, what are you going to do to become a star?

SallySuperStar: I'm going to put on my sunglasses.

Awesomeness: And then what?

SallySuperStar: And then I will be a star!

If only it were that easy....

Now if I can get her brother to stop making this face in every picture, he may be able to join her:

CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!

The only way I can get a normal picture of the kid is when I surprise him:

Happy Easter everyone!

The Spirit of Giving

If my ultimate goal during the Christmas season is to make sure that my children understand that the holiday is all about giving, then I have succeeded.  Yesterday, my kids gave to me all day long:

8:45 a.m.: My daughter gave me an ulcer.

We had just finished unwrapping the last of our gifts when MaryChristmas suddenly announced that she needed to go downstairs now and take a nap on the couch.  She looked very pale and drained, so we took her downstairs and checked her temperature: 100.7.  Nice.  Twenty minutes later we checked her again and her temp had shot up by over a degree.

This is not only no way for a child to spend Christmas, but it's also reminiscent of last year, when she got so sick we eventually had to admit her to the hospital for two days.  We got some fever reducer in her before she fell asleep.  Two hours later, she was back up and playing with her brother.

Whew!

11:30 a.m.: My son gave me a heart attack.

The first sign of trouble was the universal kid-in-distress signal: he was being very quiet.  All of a sudden, Mr. Awesomeness yells, "What is he choking on?!"  We run over to him and he starts fighting us.  The kid can't breathe, but he doesn't want to give up whatever is in his mouth.  At this point, we did what any caring parent would, we forcefully pinned his ass down.  This is when we fish about a lb. of blue foamy stuff out of his mouth.  Well, where the hell did that come from?  We don't buy our kids foam anything, specifically because they try to eat everything.

Then I notice this little blue bouncy ball I got for him as a stocking stuffer.  The ball that I thought was made of either plastic or a hard rubber.  Apparently not, as it had a huge bite taken out of it. Ugh.

8:05 p.m.: My son gave me a shower.

The night was winding down and we thought it was ending well.  MaryChristmas was maintaining a good normal temperature and ChokeyCharlie hadn't tried to eat any of his other presents.  Less than an hour to go until bedtime.  We've almost made it....

ChokeyCharlie started to cry.  This was not unexpected because he missed his nap time this afternoon.

Awesomeness: What's the matter, buddy, are you sleepy?  You should have taken a na.....
ChokeyCharlie: BBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm guessing that, by the time he was done, I had about half a gallon mixture of apple juice, water, milk, raisins, crackers, chips, turkey, bread and chocolate all down the front of me.

How did he know I've had that on my list for years and years?

I Go "Trick-o-Tree"

Yesterday, CathyCandyGrabber went trick-or-treating for the first time.  We reminded her of what the rules were before she left:

1. Knock on the door.
2. Wait for the door to open.
3. When the door opens say, "Trick or treat!"
4. Candy.
5. Say "thank you."

When she came home with her daddy half an hour later, he tells me she made up her own rules:

1. Make daddy knock on the door.
2. Turn to run away before the door even opens.
3. Smile and giggle.
4. Candy anyway.
5. Run away!

Oh well, she had fun anyway.  Maybe she'll get it next year.

CountCrybaby helped me pass out candy while his sister and dad were gone.  At first, he was happy to help and loved the sight of all the little kids coming up to the door.

Yeah, he really is the count.

Then he realized that he should be getting candy too.

Incidentally, that's his little belly hanging out underneath his vest.  That shirt/vest thing was supposed to be a 2T, which theoretically means that it's a full size too big for him.  It fit more like a 18 mo.  Very disappointing.

Anyway, then every time the little kids would go away, he'd say, "Byyyyyyyye!" and then I'd see this:

Until the next group of kids showed up.

Overall, it was a fun night, but I'm glad it's only once a year!

Selfish Corruption

Last year for Mother's Day, I got an escapee who wrote on my walls with permanent marker.  It was not the most stellar present.  This year, however, we're trying a new tactic: selfish corruption.  We started the morning by telling BrattyBetty that today is Mother's Day.  Tell your Mama "Happy Mother's Day," BrattyB!

Then, because we can tell her WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANT, Mother's Day is now a day when "kids have to do whatever their Mamas say" and when "Mamas get to type on their computers without babies crawling all over her (for once)," and when "Mama wants to check out your cool toy you just got for your birthday, you have to let her."

This will probably get out of control by the end of the day.

So far today, ClumsyCalvin has:

• fallen backwards off the coffee table
• peed on the floor
• fallen for no reason whatsoever and hit his head on my laptop

Apparently we were working on the wrong kid.

At least the kids are getting along:

BrattyBetty: Aw! ClumsyCalvin so cute!
Awesomeness: You love your brother?
BrattyBetty: Yeeeeeaaaaah!
Awesomeness: Is he your favorite brother?
BrattyBetty: No.  He's just a baby.
*****
Awesomeness: Can ClumsyCalvin share your balloons.  You have two of them, so you can let him play with one.
BrattyBetty: No. He's just a baby.  He no play with balloons.
*****
Awesomeness: Your brother was playing with that car.  You make him sad when you take things from him.
BrattyBetty: No. He no sad.  He's a baaaaaaby!


Nice to know she respects him as a person...

Gee, Thanks!

• I'm thankful for a minute to myself the day after Thanksgiving.  Yesterday, my house was infested with 4 children under the age of 5.  It reminded me of my burning desire to double up on birth control.
• I'm thankful for no-nap babies who go to bed an hour early and sleep for 12 hours straight.
• I'm thankful for Woolite rug cleaner with Oxyclean.  This stuff got Jell-o out of my dining room rug.  I am a die hard fan now.
• I'm thankful for good friends who don't take it personally when you grab them, throw them in a headlock and pimp slap them. (We stayed up playing Lunch Money.)
• I'm thankful that the kids managed to not be sick for the holiday. 

For the record, I am most certainly not paid in any fashion to endorse anything.  When I do it, it's because the shit actually works like it's supposed to.  I'll let you know if this changes.