2 a.m.

I like to be asleep at 2 a.m., Mr.BlabbyBobby.  Instead, this morning I woke to the sound of your happy chatting.  I was about to go back to sleep when you started yelling:

Bye!  Byyyyyyyyyyyye!  Bye!

For half an hour.

I know if I go into your room to quiet you, I'm going to end up either listening to you cry for an hour or putting you to sleep with me.  Happy chatting and bye-byes are much better than either of those alternatives.

If your daddy heard you, he could have put an end to it, but he left his ears in his other pants last night.  Do it again tonight, kid, and I will wake up your daddy and sic him on you.

Now I'm off for some coffee and NoDoz.

I'll Get Right On That

This morning was not good for me.  After an entire week of having half the world in my face from sun up to sun down, my mind and body just crashed and burned.  I got the kids up, thinking I could manage if I could get them fed and then engaged in something.  No, I was done.  I needed more sleep.

That's what I thought I needed anyway, DoctorDotty had a different opinion.

DoctorDotty: What you doin' Mama?
Awesomeness: I need more rest sweetie, so I'm just going to lie here for a while.
DoctorDotty: You no go to sleep Mama!
Awesomeness: I really need sleep honey.  If you need something, can you get your dad please?
DoctorDotty: Mama, you need go poopoo.
Awesomeness: I don't honey.  I don't feel like I have to go poopoo at all.
DoctorDotty: Yes Mama.  You need go poopoo so you feel better.

What do you say to that?  I just threw a blanket over my head and went to sleep.

Good Night Moon

Last Christmas, BedtimeBetty's dad gave her the moon.  A Moon In My Room, anyway.  Even after a year, she's still excited about her moon and spends time every night clicking it to whichever phase makes her most happy.  Last night her moon -- and her heart -- broke.

BedtimeBetty: I want my moooooooon! 
Awesomeness: Aw, don't cry baby, you can see your moon tomorrow.
Mr. Awesomeness: Your moon is broken honey.  We need to fix it.
BedtimeBetty: You fix my moon please? 
Mr. Awesomeness: We can't fix it right now, we need to go to the store to fix your moon.
Awesomeness: The store is closed right now, baby girl.
Mr. Awesomeness: And it's on fire.
Awesomeness: And it's been abducted by aliens.
Mr. Awesomeness: Don't worry honey.  Tomorrow the aliens will return the store and put out the fire.  Ni' night.

We checked this morning and sure enough, the store is exactly where it should be.  It's also not on fire.

Quotes From The Week

This last week I've been on vacation.  That means I've spent most of my waking moments with my destructive, back-talking maniacs sweet angel children. Here are my favorite quotes from the week courtesy of WandaWordsmith:

Tuesday:

We took her in for a speech evaluation (finally, I know) where she was walked through a series of pictures and she was asked to discern whether the pictured item was a food or a toy.  She did spectacularly; she only missed one:

[Orange]
Wanda: It's a toy.
SpeechEvaluator: No, that one's an orange.  It's a food...
Wanda: No, orange is a toy.  It's for juggling.

Wednesday:

When I opened her door in the morning, I noticed that she was clutching her blanket.  A guilty expression crossed her face for a split second, then she hands it to me.

Wanda: It's wet Mama.
Awesomeness: *drops the blanket to the floor* How did it get wet?  Did you peepee your bed?
Wanda: NO!!  I NOT PEEPEE!!!
Awesomeness: How did it get wet then?
Wanda: You see my woody?
Awesomeness: ?!
Awesomeness: ...
Awesomeness: *finally understands...gimme a break, it was 5:30 in the morning* You're missing your Cowboy Woody doll?
Wanda: Yeah.
Awesomeness: Does that have something to do with why your blanket is wet?
Wanda: Yeah.
Awesomeness: Are you saying that Woody peepeed your blanket?
Wanda: Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah....

Thursday:

She was having...health issues.  For the sake of sparing you all, I will insinuate only that a) yes, indeed, the word "explosive" can be applied to her...health issue when it appears on every square inch of the bathroom b) it took 1/2 a container of Clorox wipes to get my bathroom right again c) it took a half hour long shower for me to feel clean again after wiping it all up d) I still won't walk barefoot across the floor. Bleh!

While the massive clean up effort was going on I asked her to wait for me in the bathtub, because she was going to get hosed down next.  She kept trying to get out and finally I'd had enough:

Awesomeness: You stay in that bathtub and don't try to get out again, young lady!
Wanda: No!!  I not a lady anymore!
Awesomeness: *looked down at the 5 more gallons of...health issues...I still needed to clean up* Yeah.  I would say that's pretty accurate right now.

Friday:

Mr. A and I were just discussing the pleasant prospect of dealing with a no nap baby for the next 5 hours.  The kid got up late, he's eaten like a shark all day and has been running around playing like a normal kid (for once...).

Mr. A: Still no nap, huh?
Awesomeness: No.  You know he'll pull that dick move where he wants to nap 2 hours before bedtime.
Mr. A: Should be fun!
Mr. A (to NoNapNorman): You will stay awake until bedtime, child!
Wanda: You calm down now, Daddy.
Mr. A: ...
Mr. A: I'm just going to walk away.

The Kids' Room

RonnieRoommate, you've been in our bedroom now for almost 2 years.  I mean really, that's 20 years in Grown-Ups-Who-Don't-Want-To-Share-Rooms-With-Babies time.  I think you were a couple of weeks away from studying for your college entrance exams.  It was time.

Yesterday your Dada and I spent most of the day reorganizing your sister's room to get your bed in there.  We crammed the dresser and the bookshelf in the closet (seriously, these kids have a bigger closet than I do, it would make you sick), we finished putting up outlet covers and put a door knob cover on the closet door so we wouldn't wake up to a million books and articles of clothing everywhere.

We were ready for a battle when we took you upstairs.  You've been in Mama's room so long that I wasn't sure you could even fall asleep anywhere else.  I was convinced that you were going to throw a fit that could be heard halfway around the world.

I got you in bed and you fussed a little.  I read Mickey and the Beanstalk and you calmed down a bit.  Time for the real test: lights out.

Not a peep.

We turned on the baby monitor, convinced that you were scaling the walls.

Not a peep.

We changed the batteries in the baby monitor, because they were obviously bad.

Not a peep.

Stupid defective baby monitor, I think it's garbage....

Then we hear: "Yaaaaaaaawn" from RonnieRoommate.

Followed by ShirleyShoosher, "No, no.  No makka noise!  You s'posta be sleeping."

Sweet!

Time for some stiff drinks and Mario Party 8.  We know how to celebrate good times 'round here.

Battle-Ready!

Tonight, BabyHoudini, I'm ready for you.  We got your crib knocked down to the lowest setting, I've got the door closed and the gate up at the top of the stairs.  I camped out at the top of the stairs for an extra 5 minutes just in case you decided to try something funny.  I kept you up for as long as possible for maximum tiredness.  What do you have to say about that?

Nothing.  I put you in your crib where you curled up in your blanket and went right to sleep.

Sweet.

Thanks For An Interesting Evening

ClarenceCribClimber:

Bottle Break 2010 was a success.  He hasn't had a bottle for almost 2 weeks now.  Nap time is a little hard on him, but he's been managing just fine.  Bedtime is the worst.  He still cries for up to 5 minutes when I put him to bed.  He does go to sleep though.

Until last night.  We went up to bed around 9:15.  He started crying; I walked away.

15 minutes later: still crying.
30 minutes later: still crying.
1 hour later: still crying.

I figured he has got to be close to crying himself to sleep by now...When all of a sudden, I hear his little voice.  Giggling.  From the stairwell.  This one:

The one that has lots of glass for him to smash his head into.  He made it all the way to the first landing (seen at the top of the picture) before I got to him.

While I was impressed that he made it down 4 steps without falling and breaking his neck, it didn't alleviate my my heart attack.

Apparently, he decided he was done with his bed and he wanted to come down to see us.

PriscillaPuker

This one wasn't too much of a shocker.  All day long, this kid has had gas that smelled like road kill.  We knew something along her digestive tract was bothering her, but she said her stomach felt fine.

Around 11:30, I woke up to her cries.  When I made my way over to her room, Mr. A was already there.  So was about a gallon of puke.

Family camp out on the couches.

Awesome.

Oh, except that ClarenceCribClimber can now get out of his crib and terrorize the house at will.

Sorry Mr. A, you're on your own.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................

Third Night's A Charm?

Tonight was the night BillyBottleJunkie.  When I put you to bed, I was determined that I would not reward your crying with a bottle. 

No matter how angry you got. 
No matter how much snot your face got covered in. 
No matter how many blankets you threw on the floor.
No matter how many neighbors beat on the door telling us to tone it down.

45 minutes and 5,000 tears later, you're fast asleep.  I hope tomorrow is better for you.

Bottle Withdrawal

The signs of bottle withdrawal:

Ear shattering screams
Copious outpourings of mucus
Enough tears to drown a small rodent
Violent kicking of crib rails
Wanton destruction of nearby curtains
Unrestrained blanket tossing
Malicious wall-butting

If your child is exhibiting any of these signs, please administer the following:

One ear plug placed firmly in each ear
One firmly shut door between you and spazzing child
One shot of vodka

(All for you, by the way...)

Bottle Break 2010

It's time, Bottle-AholicBobby, to give it up.  You're 3 months shy of your 2nd birthday and you don't need the bottle to get you through the day anymore. 

You're proficient in your sippie usage, so no excuses there.  You're in a good sleep pattern that leaves you nice and tired at the end of the day, so no need to be soothed to sleep.

Last night you fooled me and I'm kinda pissed about getting tricked by an almost-2-year old.  I laid you down and you just went to sleep.  It did seem too easy and I should have known better, but you're really too cute to be considered devious, so I had high hopes for tonight.

I set you down in your bed and, "WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  I gave in and brought you a small bottle. 

B-ABobby: 1
Awesomeness: 1

So, we're all tied up tonight buddy, what's it going to be tomorrow?

Anyone's Guess

What is this tantrum about? **turn your speakers down or off**



My guesses:

• You didn't nap
• You have a dirty diaper
• You're hungry
• You're cold
• You're congested
• You're teething
• Your sister hurt your feelings
• Your sister took a toy from you
• You were stung by a bee
• You got abducted by aliens and were subjected to an anal probe
• Your guidance counselor recommended Arm Pit Sniffer
• You are a cry-o-phile
• You saw your Dada naked
• You heard Wham! was getting back together
• You saw one of those awful E*Trade baby commercials
• You got locked in a dirty bathroom by a psychopath and had to saw off one of your feet
• You recognized the 3rd sign of the apocalypse
• No fucking reason whatsoever

I have eliminated all possibilities except that last one.

Dada: The Hero

Dada!  I wanna go ni-ni now!

Her Dada's response:

Sweetie, you can go ni-ni in about 10 minutes.  Dada has to kill all of these monsters here to help save the Earth.

Psssst...dude, you're playing WoW.  I'm sure it doesn't even take place on the Earth.

Go To Sleep....Go To Sleeeeep....GO TO SLEEP LITTLE BABY!

So Sabertooth has officially earned a new nickname: Count Crybaby.  The Count because this kid just prefers to stay up all night.  I've been fighting his nocturnal habits for too many months now and figure that the new moniker will shame him into falling into sync with normal circadian rhythms.

The Crybaby comes from the fact that he actually is one.  He doesn't really want to nap much during the day anymore and then he wants to hang out all night too.  Some days he's awake from 6:00 in the morning until 11:00 at night with little more than a 15-30 minute nap.  This means that he's whiny and clingy for HOURS.

Hell, I get crabby when I have to conform to that schedule.

Oh, wait.  Since he gets up at 6:00, that means he gets 1 more hour of sleep than me.

Goodbye 2009

Good riddance.

The last week of the year was 2009's way of throwing one last flying elbow into our chests.

NuclearHeadNelly got up to 105.8 degrees on Tuesday.  We took her in to urgent care to see if they knew what was wrong and could help her in any way.  Of course, when we get her there, her temp had dropped to 97.  There's nothing for them to do for a kid that isn't presenting any symptoms, so we just took her home.

The next day, she was back up past 105 again.  We took her to see her regular doctor who promptly sent us on our way to the children's hospital for some blood work.  Whew! Action!! Action is my favorite.

Because our kid is stubborn -- her name even means "spirit of battle" and she earned it in the womb -- she somehow willed her veins not to dispense blood.  It took 4 arm pokes for them to even find a vein, then 3 nurses had to hold her in position while they forced the vein to give up the goods.  Even then, it took over an hour for them to get 2 small vials of blood from her.

She hated being there with a passion.  She cried to go home.  Even when her temperature dropped to 95 degrees, then leaped back up to 104.5, she was begging to go.  This, of course, lead to a hunger strike, which added to the misery of the hospital experience, because now she's also starving.

Two days of being in the hospital, 2 coloring books and a yellow balloon later, she's fine and back home.  I'm just sore that 2009 decided to kick us in the nuts this one last time before giving it up.

Here's hoping that 2010 is a year of good health.

Gee, Thanks!

• I'm thankful for a minute to myself the day after Thanksgiving.  Yesterday, my house was infested with 4 children under the age of 5.  It reminded me of my burning desire to double up on birth control.
• I'm thankful for no-nap babies who go to bed an hour early and sleep for 12 hours straight.
• I'm thankful for Woolite rug cleaner with Oxyclean.  This stuff got Jell-o out of my dining room rug.  I am a die hard fan now.
• I'm thankful for good friends who don't take it personally when you grab them, throw them in a headlock and pimp slap them. (We stayed up playing Lunch Money.)
• I'm thankful that the kids managed to not be sick for the holiday. 

For the record, I am most certainly not paid in any fashion to endorse anything.  When I do it, it's because the shit actually works like it's supposed to.  I'll let you know if this changes.

No Bed For You!

I've been trying to sleep in my bed rather than on the couch lately.  So far, this has not been a roaring success.  If it's not LateNapLarry screwing me over by staying up all night, it's PleaseDon'tLeaveMePolly waking up in the middle of the night crying because she's afraid that we're going to leave her behind and not take her to preschool.  We are leaving her behind, but I'm hoping she won't figure that out until we're heading out the door.

We've left instruction for LateNap not to let him sleep after 4:00 in the afternoon.  Day 1 of someone else trying to enforce this caused the babysitter (Grandma) to toss a sleepy crying baby at me as soon as I walked through the door.  Her exact quote was, "I couldn't have kept him awake for much longer."  What I heard was, "His crying was giving me a headache and I was going to ruin your entire night by letting him sleep anyway if you didn't make it home soon."  So .... we've got some work to do there.

PleaseDon'tLeaveMe was up last night at 1:15 begging to go downstairs for water, then she refused to go back to bed.  Spending the night on the couch with a squirmy 3-year old watching Spongebob (the movie) is not the setting for pleasant dreams.  It's the setting for frequent waking as I'm being kicked all night, coupled by the fact that the title sequence played on a loop and that obnoxious Spongebob laugh kept jolting me out of any productive sleep patterns.  I know the obvious solution would be to either turn the movie down or off, but that required way more effort than I was committing to anything.

We Have Temporarily Exorcised The Demon

The flu came to visit us this last month.  Just as I was finally getting some decent sleep, the flu kicked down our door and viciously attacked my kids.  It was a nightmare of 105 degree fevers, vomiting, turning our bathroom into a sauna, humidifiers, and secondary infection.

Before it was over, ChrissyCoughs-A-Lot has gotten: the flu, a double ear infection and a urinary tract infection.  We learned one very important lesson with that: stop waiting for her to display abnormal symptoms or behaviors before calling for a doctor appointment.

We have, until now, operated on the assumption that we could just handle everything at home.  We both agreed that taking her out just put other people at risk for being infected by her.  Also, though, we didn't want her to pick up something worse in a waiting room.

Well, our reasoning got us a kid that was a lot sicker than she needed to be.  Now she's taking an antibiotic (that some idiot, who will remain nameless, let's just say she's normally totally awesome...ahem, left out on the counter overnight so she had to start her dosages over again) and she is doing much better.

The scary part of this story is that she really wasn't acting abnormally.  Even when her fever was leveled off at 103, she still chased her brother around the house and threw the mother of all tantrums when we wouldn't let her play outside.  She was not giving us any reason to suspect that her ears or her....anyway, that anything hurt her.

She's back at school now.  Which only means that we need to stock up on more fever reducer, because I'm sure the flu liked it here and will probably be visiting again soon.

Vacation

Psssshtt.  I wish that's why I haven't been writing.  The truth is, the kids are not doing too hot. 

It's been 4 months since we started SaraSchoolGirl in preschool and 4 months since her nose and lungs have been clear of mucus.

It's been 4 months since BoogerBoyBob hasn't had to be wrestled down for a whole day to clear his poor nose.  I'm so glad we don't live in an apartment.

It's been 4 months since I've slept through the night in my own bed.  I do have a nice groove worked into the couch though.

It's been 4 months of always making sure we are well-stocked in anti-fever meds.

It's been 4 months since I've been able to string coherent thoughts together for any sustained period of time.

It's been 4 months since I've questioned why parents are half-crazy.

Pat, Pat, Pat

I just hit my 3rd grade BFF in the face with a ball.  I don't know what he said to me, but I'm sure he deserved it.  Right before he sent his army of robot kittens after me, I managed to leap headlong out of a 4 story window.  I don't remember landing, but I must have managed it somehow, because now I'm hiding in the trunk of my car.

For whatever reason, the kittens have decided that their cuteness isn't powerful enough to damn me to Hell, so they've transformed into The Terminator.  Lots and lots of...The Terminator.  Well, now I'm screwed.  Oh forget this, I'm going home.

The home I lived in when I was 12.  Here, I get to hang out with Cal Worthington and his dog Spot.  For whatever reason, the dog (who is really an elephant) keeps butting into my legs.  What does he want?!

Oh.  It's MidnightMarvin.  He's reaching over his crib rails to pat me on the leg. 

Wakey, wakey Mama Lazybones!  It's 2:15 in the morning and you're still asleep?

All new post:  'Kid For Sale!' coming soon.

Some Girl

I don't know when, but at some point Some Girl ended up being my "I'm up at 2:40 a.m. and life is sucking" movie.  I'm just fascinated by Marissa Rabisi's character and her steady decline throughout the movie.  I'm pretty sure that I was jealous that she got to take pyrmaniacal actions against the source of her problems.  I just spoiled the end for anyone who hasn't seen it, but it's really a non-end anyway.

ChrissyCoughs-A-Lot was up at 2:30 hacking the last of her lungs out.  The 3 months solid that she's had her preschool crud has been hard on her.  I can't get mad at her; she hasn't had a decent night's sleep in all that time either.

I listened out for a while, to make sure that she wasn't also throwing up or crying, then snuggled back down into my nice, warm bed.

WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

That would be SidneySleepKiller.  I don't know if his sister's coughing woke him up or the sound of my comfort.  I pat him on the back and fix his blankets and pray to benevolent sleep spirits.  Those sleep spirits are scumbag twats.  No dice.  I think one of them peed on me.

I take him downstairs to change him and give him a bottle and pray to the benevolent catnap-on-the-couch spirits that this will be everything he needs.  Nope.  By this time Marissa's character is on her way to that special place in my heart.  I wonder if he'll ever sleep.  Well, actually, first I wonder if I've ever seen this movie from the beginning.  Then I wonder how I can come to an arrangement with the evil revenge spirits to sic my fire angel on those bastard catnap-on-the-couch spirits.  Then I wonder if he'll ever sleep.

The movie ends and I'm still holding my baby, trying to get him to calm down without my having to be upright and bouncing.  I think I'm going to trade in this kid's crib for a vibrating lounge chair.  Sure, it'll be expensive, but I'm sure it'll be worth its weight in gold.

He's finally down just in time for the alarm to go off.  Now I'm saying a little prayer to the benevolent coffee spirits.  I think I have an in with these guys. I put their coffee blessings in funny mugs and slip them some Chocolate Caramel cream.  Offerings -- it's all about the offerings.