Quotes From The Week

This last week I've been on vacation.  That means I've spent most of my waking moments with my destructive, back-talking maniacs sweet angel children. Here are my favorite quotes from the week courtesy of WandaWordsmith:

Tuesday:

We took her in for a speech evaluation (finally, I know) where she was walked through a series of pictures and she was asked to discern whether the pictured item was a food or a toy.  She did spectacularly; she only missed one:

[Orange]
Wanda: It's a toy.
SpeechEvaluator: No, that one's an orange.  It's a food...
Wanda: No, orange is a toy.  It's for juggling.

Wednesday:

When I opened her door in the morning, I noticed that she was clutching her blanket.  A guilty expression crossed her face for a split second, then she hands it to me.

Wanda: It's wet Mama.
Awesomeness: *drops the blanket to the floor* How did it get wet?  Did you peepee your bed?
Wanda: NO!!  I NOT PEEPEE!!!
Awesomeness: How did it get wet then?
Wanda: You see my woody?
Awesomeness: ?!
Awesomeness: ...
Awesomeness: *finally understands...gimme a break, it was 5:30 in the morning* You're missing your Cowboy Woody doll?
Wanda: Yeah.
Awesomeness: Does that have something to do with why your blanket is wet?
Wanda: Yeah.
Awesomeness: Are you saying that Woody peepeed your blanket?
Wanda: Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah....

Thursday:

She was having...health issues.  For the sake of sparing you all, I will insinuate only that a) yes, indeed, the word "explosive" can be applied to her...health issue when it appears on every square inch of the bathroom b) it took 1/2 a container of Clorox wipes to get my bathroom right again c) it took a half hour long shower for me to feel clean again after wiping it all up d) I still won't walk barefoot across the floor. Bleh!

While the massive clean up effort was going on I asked her to wait for me in the bathtub, because she was going to get hosed down next.  She kept trying to get out and finally I'd had enough:

Awesomeness: You stay in that bathtub and don't try to get out again, young lady!
Wanda: No!!  I not a lady anymore!
Awesomeness: *looked down at the 5 more gallons of...health issues...I still needed to clean up* Yeah.  I would say that's pretty accurate right now.

Friday:

Mr. A and I were just discussing the pleasant prospect of dealing with a no nap baby for the next 5 hours.  The kid got up late, he's eaten like a shark all day and has been running around playing like a normal kid (for once...).

Mr. A: Still no nap, huh?
Awesomeness: No.  You know he'll pull that dick move where he wants to nap 2 hours before bedtime.
Mr. A: Should be fun!
Mr. A (to NoNapNorman): You will stay awake until bedtime, child!
Wanda: You calm down now, Daddy.
Mr. A: ...
Mr. A: I'm just going to walk away.

Future Therapy Sessions

Yep.  My kids are going to need some therapy when we get done with them.  Today's reason:

Every once in a while, PeggyPeePeePants will get too involved in whatever she's doing and forget to go to the bathroom until the last minute.  A year ago, we let her slide on that.  She'd just gotten the hang of going on the toilet, so we figured she needed a break.  Now, however, she's 4 years old.  She's been potty trained for well over a year now.  There's no excuse for it.

Slowly over the last year it became obvious to us that this problem wasn't resolving itself so we needed to step in.  Behaviorists we read up on had us reward her for going on the potty.  To that, I'll say, "That's not for my kid."  It just doesn't work.  We tried stickers, treats, stickers and treats, fake tattoos, extra computer time.  All sorts of fun things.  We were consistent with each reward and gave each one more than enough time to work.  Nothing.

This isn't to say that she doesn't go on the toilet the majority of the time.  She just has bad days.  Days where she goes through, on average, six pairs of underpants because she started going on her way to the toilet.  It's frustrating for her and frustrating for us.  So, when rewarding didn't work out, we tried punishment.

Time out.  STRIKE ONE.  Spanking.  STRIKE TWO. Grounding from cartoons/computer games/coloring and other enjoyable passtimes.  STRIKE THREE.  YEEEEEEER OUT!

Regrouping ... Thinking ...

Stand in the corner.  STRIKE ONE.  Make her wear her dirty panties.  EJECTED FROM THE GAME EARLY ON.  Well, shit...

Make her wear her daddy's clothes?  HOMERUN!!

This morning she peed her panties, then somehow got her dress in the toilet.  I didn't have another outfit downstairs and I wasn't about to run upstairs for another one, so I just grabbed one of her daddy's t-shirts and slapped it on her.  Listening to her carry on about it, you would think I stuck a rotting skunk carcass on the kid (you'll know I'm desperate when I actually do this).

PPPP: I don't wanna wear this.  This not a dress.  It's daddy's.
Awesomeness: Well, that's too bad honey.  You shouldn't have put your dress in the toilet.
PPPP: I wanna wear my clothes. PWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE Mama!
Awesomeness: I'll put your clothes on you when you stop sticking them in the toilet.  Until then you get to wear your daddy's shirt.
PPPP: I WANT MY CLOTHES NOW MAMA!
Awesomeness: Really?  Let's go show your daddy your new dress and see if he likes it.

I take her by her arm and lead her down the hallway to Mr. A's office.
PPPP: NO!  Dada, don't look at me!

She curls up in a little ball in the corner of the hallway to avoid being seen.

Mr. A: Huh.  She used to like wearing my shirts.
Awesomeness: Yeah, not so much anymore.  Now she's totally embarrassed to be seen in your stuff, dude.
Mr. A: I wonder if we could get her school to cooperate with her new dress code.
Awesomeness: It would probably be harder for them to keep it on her.  We could make her a special dress.  An ugly, gray one with a big red 'P' on the chest.  You know, for Pants Pisser.
Mr. A: I don't think she'd understand.  It would have to be something she doesn't like.
Awesomeness: She doesn't like meat.  We could just hang a steak around her neck.

I wonder how much therapy will cost in the year 2024...

I Just Don't Know

I haven't been able to (yes, yes, I'll get you some juice) write much lately and I (stop biting my arm) really don't know what the (are you okay?  where's the booboo?) problem is. 

I have (no, we don't take off our peedy diapers and put them on Mama's laptop while she's typing) plenty of time and the kids (get that basket off your brother's head!) like playing together (give your sister back her train!).

Mr. A helps keep them out of my (is it time for PerpetuallySickPetunia's medicine?) hair so I can get stuff (GET OFF THE COUNTER!!!) done.  NappyTimeNorman still takes some (SHHH! No screaming while your brother's sleeping.  Let's play in your room.) pretty good naps.

It's just so (stop using my arm as a monkey bar) amazing how lazy I've been (get off my neck, you're choking me) lately about keeping (yes, we'll watch Team Umizoomi in a minute, Mama's busy) up with my blogs.  It's, like, worse than (quit crying in my face...I said in a minute) usual lately.

Maybe (aw, do your teeth hurt little buddy?) it's because I've been (GET OUT OF THE BLINDS YOUNG LADY!) sick this last week...

I mean I feel (where's your panties?  you had them on a second ago) much better and I'm getting plenty (stop pushing the couch into your brother) of rest.  There's really nothing (PUT DOWN MAMA'S WII!) stopping me from getting anything (I hear you, I'll get you a sandwich in a minute) done.  I just need to find (do you have to go potty?) some inspiration.  I might just (NO! NOT ON THE FLOOR!  WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!!?)...

I give up.

Catch Up Time!

Halloween:

The kids had tons of fun this year.  Despite what you see in this picture:

After he got the hood off (.39349 seconds after this picture was shot), he had a great time running around as 'The Bat' or, as ScarySissy called him: SuperBaby!

I think she would have been more excited to have the same costume as her brother.  She picked hers out and was begging us to let her wear it for almost a month.  We finally got it on her and:

Ten minutes later it was on the floor.  The headband was destroyed in about 1/2 an hour.  Those cutesy ribbons just pull right off, by the way.  Later that night she ran around the house with his hood on and his costume around her neck telling us, "I'm the bat!"

Last Saturday was also a big day for us.  It was our 4th year participating in the Making Strides For Breast Cancer 3-mile walk.  We had one excited walker:

And one really mad one (could have a little to do with the fact that he woke up to me shoving him into his car seat at 5:45 in the morning...):

Don't worry, that didn't last long:

I thought that the hike went really well until I realized at the end that MissyPissyPants had, well, pissed her damn pants.

Right before the walk started:

MissyPissyPants, do you have to go potty?

No, Mama.  No potty.

Are you sure you don't have to go peepee?

No, no peepee.

No.  Lots and lots of peepee, little liar girl. 

First Day Of Preschool

So, as I mentioned a couple of posts back, Sissy Spazzattack was just enrolled in preschool last week. Wednesday was her first day.

I wanted to put this up on Wednesday, but Mr. Mouthpain has been a late day napper lately. This means that he's just getting up from a nap when I get home from work now and he doesn't want to go back to bed until, at least, midnight. Otherwise, he wants to be held. Ugh.

So, she had a great time! She did pee herself twice, but I think it's just because she waits until the last minute to go to the bathroom at home and when she tries it there, she doesn't quite make it because she isn't accustomed to where the bathroom is located.

She also fell and hit her cheek on a table. Mr. A thinks that this is a conspiracy. No way his little princess's bruise looks like a table edge. Yes it does you dork. We always talk about how accident prone she is. In the year after her first birthday, we were seriously contemplating getting her a helmet. Remember that?

When we went to pick her up, she pretended like she didn't know us. When we walked over to pick her up off the swingset she screamed like we were trying to kidnap her. I'm glad she had a good time, but she kinda scared the other kids.

We'll try it again on Monday.

Happy Crying Day Everyone!

We celebrated Crying Day with a non-stop cryfest. Since I have 2 kids, they each took 1 ear and proceeded to scream into it for hours on end. It's so heartwarming when kids that young get into the holidays.

Mr. ToothMaster9000 participated in the traditional Cling To Mama's Pants And Scream While She Cooks Dinner Event. For 1/2 an hour. Whadda ya want, kid? I let you play with a bamboo spoon. Nope, not happy. I gave you some of those Gerber cheese things you like. Nope, still not happy.

This, of course leads straight into the old Try To Grab Food Off Of Mama's Plate, Then Cry When She Pushes It Out Of Your Way Spectactular. You thought you wanted green beans CryGuy. Mama gave you a green bean. She picked it out of her shag rug later. Then you made a lunge for her steak. Not happening kid. Grow a few more teeth, then come back and talk to me.

MissyPissyPants peed on the floor just inside her fathers office. The one that's 3 feet away from the bathroom. Playing in the Doom Room is fun, fun, fun, but we can't ignore Mother Nature. Of course, Dada got, uh, mad-a and started yelling. This was good for at least 15 minutes of crying.

I finally got her calmed down with a coloring book and some crayons. Until she started eating them. On the bright side, her poop is going to be some pretty rainbow colors. So, into the trash with the crayons. That was good for another 15 minutes of crying.

Then there's bedtime. I take NoSleepNancy up to her room to put her down. I have to bring LateForBedLarry with me because his Dada is busy fighting an alien alligator or something with his friends. He's crying because he wants to sleep. She's crying because she'd like to stay up for another 3 hours. What a perfect end to Crying Day.

Needy Boy

You've always enjoyed my company, but lately your independence has become important to you. I'm enjoying this. It means more time to work on things I enjoy. Like this blog about you.

The last few days, however, you've been a mess. I've got to put you down sometime. According to you, that is not acceptable. I just can't hold you all day. Where is my crawly boy that loves to play? You had me spoiled on that kid.

It is very hard to hold you while I'm preparing or eating dinner. It's also difficult to handle Ms. CheckOutMyPeePeeInThePotty when she decides to aggressively shove her full potty chair in your face whenever she goes to the bathroom and you don't run in right away to congratulate her.

More On (moron) Potty Training

Yesterday we did away with the timer. Apparently the thing was unnecessary. She is just running in and peeing when she has to go. Hunh. What a novel concept.

So for the last couple of days we've just left her naked and left the bathroom door open. Take that potty training books.

Potty Training

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know what I'm doing. I took a few days off from work so I could try to work with MsPissyPants so she could learn to use her big girl potty.

It's the end of day 1 and she hates it. I'm using a timer that I set for every 90 minutes. The last couple of times it's gone off, she's cried because she knows I'm going to take her in to the potty.

Sigh. I don't know why this has to be so hard. I don't believe in food as a reward, but I don't know what a proper reward for pissing in a plastic bucket should be.

Ugh.
Sigh again.