Bad Liars + Batteries = Bath Time

GretaGameJunkie got a new Leapster for Christmas.  She packs that thing around with her wherever she goes.  I will say that those things are probably the best thing that ever happened to the battery industry.  I'm not sure that it keeps a charge for an entire week of play.

The point is, Mr. Awesomeness gets tired of replacing the batteries so often and will often lie to Greta about what it will entail to fix her game.  Some days he's a better liar than others.  Today, he just got real lazy.

GretaGameJunkie: Daddy, I need some batteries for my game.
Mr. Awesomeness: Um, we're out of batteries.
GretaGameJunkie: Aaaaaaaw!

Greta, heartbroken, decides to come out and complain.  I heard what her dad said, so I was ready to support his laziness.

GretaGameJunkie: Daddy said there's no more batteries for my game.
Awesomeness:  I'm very sorry that we don't have any batteries.
GretaGameJunkie: But I need them!
Awesomeness: Are those tears?
GretaGameJunkie: Yeah...I need more batteries.
Awesomeness: Are your tears turning into batteries?
GretaGameJunkie: No, Mama.  I need Daddy to get my batteries.
Awesomeness: Did Daddy say we have lots and lots of batteries?
GretaGameJunkie: Yes.  We have lots and lots of batteries.
Awesomeness: Where do we have lots and lots of batteries?
GretaGameJunkie: (immediately perking up) In the drawer, I'll go get them.
Awesomeness: (dammit!)

Sure enough.  Lots and lots of batteries just where we always keep them.  As soon as he heard that she was running after the drawer full of batteries, Mr. Awesomeness ducked out of his office.

Mr. Awesomeness: You can't just tell her there's no batteries?
Awesomeness: Dude, she fact-checked me.  Really, that was a bad lie.  Bad battery liars have to give the kids a bath tonight.

Guess who's giving the kids a bath while I'm typing out this post...

I cannot believe that worked.

Boys Have A Penis. Girls Have A Vagina

CuriousConnie has now had Sex Ed Lesson 2.

Lesson 1 occurred when she discovered her little girl area and we had to give her a word to call it.  I would love to just tell her to call it a vagina, but neither Mr. A nor I really don't like the word.  So we've taken to calling it her 'gina.  Not "correct", but I don't care.

Tonight, while playing with her brother in the tub, the inevitable finally happened.  She reached over and touched her brother.  There.  Then she giggled and said, "I touched Brother's butt."

Awesomeness: No, honey, that's not Brother's butt, that's his penis.
CuriousConnie: Yeah, that's right, that's his penis.  And that's his arm!

Yes, let's talk about his arm please.

Eeeew Mama!

I'm sitting on the couch, staring ineffectively at my Blogger Dashboard.  I'm procrastinating posting because _____insert lame reason here_____ when...

LuluLoveBug comes up and gives me a great big hug.  Awwww....  Then proceeds to tell me:

Eeeew Mama!  You hair is disgusting.  It smells dirty.  Bleh.

Apparently my Day 3 hair is grossing out my 3-year old.  I'm going to go shower.

What The What?

We bought the kids some foam bathtub letters so we can work with LucyLetterLearner on her colors and letters.  Now we're working on her letter sounds.  Our conversation starts out:

Awesomeness: What letter does your name start with *Lucy?

LucyLetterLearner: A P! 

Awesomeness: No....your name's not *Pucy is it?

LucyLetterLearner: Naaaaaw!  My name not *Pucy! 

Awesomeness: What letter does your brother's name start with?

LucyLetterLearner: Brother no start with letter.  Brother name is Master.

Awesomeness: ?! Master?  You call your brother Master?

LucyLetterLearner: Yeah, he's a MasterBaby.

Awesomeness: He's a MasterBaby? What does a MasterBaby do?

LucyLetterLearner: He chases the Birthday Cat.

Awesomeness: ....

This was kind of a freaky Children of the Corn moment for me.  I'm glad Mr. A came in at around this time.  I didn't really want to be outnumbered.

Bathtime Fun

Awesomeness: C'mon kids! It's bathtime.

BathBubbleBoy eagerly jumps into the tub and -- for whatever reason -- begins to do something that looks like Riverdancing.

GreasyGrimyGirl whines and runs out of the room.  I finally coax her back in and force lovingly persuade her into the tub.

Awesomeness:  Wow, kiddo.  You're dirty and smelly.

GreasyGrimyGirl: Naaaaaaaaw! I no smelly and dirty.

Awesomeness:  Yeah, I think that's you.  It's hard to tell with your brother in the tub and your Dada in the other room, but I think you stink.

GreasyGrimyGirl: Naaaaaaaaw!  I no stink.

Awesomeness: Well, now you don't.  You're all clean.

GreasyGrimyGirl: Naaaaaaaaw!  I no clean.  I dirty and stinky.

Meet Filthy McNasty

Who is this pile of dirt with me?
That's my kid, Filthy McNasty!

She's cute underneath all the grime
It comes off for a limited time
Then back to school she goes
And from her head to her toes
She piles on crud by the pound
Leaves no speck of dust on the ground

 A walking pit of slime and pee
That's my kid, Filthy McNasty!

Backfire!

Don't lie to your kids. They might not have the reasoning skills to process the information you're giving them correctly. They will also supplement their lack of reasoning with imagination. Or even worse, they might just take you literally.

We're sticklers for teaching our children to clean their own messes. MissMess has been cleaning up her toys since she could walk to the toy bin. When it comes to the bathtub, we have a tub toy bin and we ask her to collect her toys and put them away before leaving the tub.

Unfortunately, she's not always compliant with these requests and we're completely stubborn about her doing this every time. So, at some point, Mr. Awesomeness felt it was a good idea to tell her that if she doesn't pick up her toys, they'll get sucked down the drain with the water.

I forget this and often pull the plug on the tub before even requesting that she clean up. The screams can be heard around the neighborhood. She frantically scrambles, crying, for every toy. Because she's freaking out, though, she doesn't always make it into the bin with the toy before moving on to the next.

So all that time I spend getting her calmed down with a nice, warm, fun bath is for nothing. Now I'm dealing with a frantic, crying mess. Way to go Dada.

Donnie McDrownerson

You're totally fine, which means I get to simultaneously scold and make fun of you. You almost Darwined yourself out of existence tonight buddy. I was all set to calm you down, get you to sleep, then come over here and blog about what a big boy you are. Then you had to go and give me gray hairs.

BetsyBubbles gets in the tub first. We do that so I don't have to worry about not having a free hand while washing you. You've always been welcome to come join in the grimefighting from the edge of the tub, but not any more.

Now, it seems, you aren't content until you do a little face-diving into the bathtub. Your life's goal was to get that little foam 4 that was floating around next to Sissy's knee. You waited until I got shampoo into Sissy's hair, then SPLOOSH! Who knew you could even make it over the edge of the tub? Huh...

So, of course, I panic and snatched you out. You weren't too happy with me, but I don't care because you lived to be pissed, so to hell with your attitude problem. Dada comes bursting in to see what the deal was. He found you all wet from head to toe -- still fully clothed -- and spluttering. He was supposed to keep an eye on you.....

....but he had to go fight a mutant earwig or some shit with his buddies. Sorry kid. So Mama's frantically trying to get the soap out of Sissy's hair. Do you remember what you did? Right!

SPLOOSH!! Again?! Are you kidding me? Didn't you learn anything from the last time?

So Dada finally either defeats the beast, or he hears that his son is on a suicide mission, and he comes barging in. Well now he'll stick around because he knows you're crazy, right Dada....

Dada? Where the hell..... Oh, apparently we interrupted his Heffalump and Woozle slaying time. Well at least you learned your lesson. Right, Donnie McDrown........

SPLOOSH!