Life and Death

The decision to keep LucyLearnsALot out of school for the next year was not an easy one.  Or one that we even got to make without a degree of coersion.  We felt strongly that she was ready to join her friends in a structured class environment and to learn things beyond what we've been teaching at home, but unfortunately the school system disagreed. 

In short, we live too far away from work to send her to school near our house, but the schools near our work won't even consider taking her.  Faced with this flagrant lack of cooperation, we did what any sane parent would do: we decided to homeschool and built our own curriculum.

Oh, I mean insane.  Insane parents do that.

Sure, parents homeschool all the time.  Parents who are actually home to parent.  Moms and dads that aren't out of the house for about 60 hours every week.  If you think about it mathmatically, though, one week is comprised of 168 hours, so 60 is not really that much.  Who needs sleep anyway, AMIRIGHT?

Over the last month-ish, I've been slowly piecing together a series of lesson plans.  As I go along, I've become more at peace with the idea of teaching her myself, since I like the idea of  an element of exploratory self-guided discovery as a part of a learning agenda.  I am totally ready for this.
Until I got to the first lesson: death.

Lucy like to play roughly with her brother.  She likes to sit on him and put various things around his neck: her hands, cords, blankets, etc.  We have to watch them carefully while they're playing and strip them of anything that can be used as a garrote while they're playing unsupervised.

I'm a lot like a prison guard.  I might put that on my resume.

The other day when Lucy grabbed her little brother by the neck and threw him into the couch, I'd had enough.  She took a nice, long time out and we had a hard discussion about what happens to her brother when she puts her hands around his neck.  It ended when I told her that when her brother can't breathe for too long, then he would go away forever and she would never see him again.  I didn't stop describing the finality of choking her brother until she was bawling.

Later that same night, we were exploring some information that she wanted to know about seahorses.  For some reason, this has become her favorite animal (this week).  One of the videos we watched showed a seahorse having babies.  It was my opportunity to explain to her how the male seahorses are the ones who have babies, which is different from other animals. 

She was so fascinated that she wanted to watch an elephant have a baby too.  And fish.  And bunnies.  And dogs.

We talked a lot that night about how some animals grow babies in their tummies and eventually push them out of their vagina (hiply referred to in my house as the 'gina) and other animals lay eggs that the babies grown in and then hatch from.

Our night of fun ended when she asked, "How you put babies in the mama?"

I bailed on that answer.  I figured I'd already covered life and death in a matter of just a couple of hours.  Sex can wait.

Catching Up

I'm just feeling all stuck up from winning the Worst Mom In The Universe award or something.  Two things have happened over the course of the last couple of weeks that I've almost completely neglected to write about:

1. Happy 2nd Birthday to Count Crybaby

I know I mentioned it in passing in another post, but I thought it was worth it's own announcement.  The day was fun.  We went grocery shopping and almost forgot to pick up a cake.  Ugh, I suck at this.

2. First Day of Preschool for Count Crybaby

The very first chance we got, we enrolled him in preschool.  He is still really excited to get dressed and leave the house.  So far he hasn't cried when we've dropped him off and his teachers are still gushing over what a cute little boy he is, so it all seems to be going well.  We'll see how they feel when he has one of his super-whiny, clingy days.

I should be expecting a call...

Yeah...the backpack vest-thing was not our first choice, but we couldn't find any other little backpack for him.  He seems to like running around in it though, so maybe it's a keeper.

Meet Filthy McNasty

Who is this pile of dirt with me?
That's my kid, Filthy McNasty!

She's cute underneath all the grime
It comes off for a limited time
Then back to school she goes
And from her head to her toes
She piles on crud by the pound
Leaves no speck of dust on the ground

 A walking pit of slime and pee
That's my kid, Filthy McNasty!

Vacation

Psssshtt.  I wish that's why I haven't been writing.  The truth is, the kids are not doing too hot. 

It's been 4 months since we started SaraSchoolGirl in preschool and 4 months since her nose and lungs have been clear of mucus.

It's been 4 months since BoogerBoyBob hasn't had to be wrestled down for a whole day to clear his poor nose.  I'm so glad we don't live in an apartment.

It's been 4 months since I've slept through the night in my own bed.  I do have a nice groove worked into the couch though.

It's been 4 months of always making sure we are well-stocked in anti-fever meds.

It's been 4 months since I've been able to string coherent thoughts together for any sustained period of time.

It's been 4 months since I've questioned why parents are half-crazy.

The Color Of Water

AbbyBlabby started out with a bit of a language delay.  At close to 3 1/2, she will now speak to us in full sentences, but her pronunciation still needs a lot of work.  We try to help her out as best we can by continually challenging her to talk and interact with us. 

One constant exercise is to ask her to tell us the shapes and colors of things and to count them, if applicable.  On the way home from preschool, for instance, she was able to tell me that she had colored 3 triangle-shaped mice in orange, green and purple.

Today, Mr. Awesomeness was in the kitchen with her when she was begging like an orphan for food.  She has a bad habit of tugging on the refrigerator door.  So Mr. A, in keeping with tradition, asks her what color the fridge is.  "Black!" she says. 

Then she tells her Dada, "I want water."  This time, Mr. A asks her, "What color is water?"  He asked in a way that told me he was feeling a little smug about his trick question.

Her immediate response: "Brown."

Time to change the R.O. filter.

Much Better!

A couple of weeks ago, GracelessGretta fell down and scraped her elbow at school.  I was upset about it because none of the teachers noticed this.  Half her damn elbow is missing skin and no one sees this?  I complained to the owner.

In true 3-year old fashion, she refused to keep a band-aid on it.  In true dirty-kid-wound fashion, the damn thing got infected and developed a pus pocket.  Mr. Awesomeness was left with the honors of pinning her down to clean that out.  Hurk!

It's finally healed (thanks StaphAseptic!) but now she's done a 180 with her stance on band aids.  Now she Must. Have. One.  Not only have we created a band aid monster, but now she wants all of her boo-boos kissed. 

Much better!  Thank you!

She even wants us to kiss the ones on her tushie.  (No, we don't kiss her butt.)

She also clutches her arm protectively whenever her Dada approaches her now.  Yikes!  It doesn't help that I giggle at this...  She clasps her little hand over her elbow owie and asks him in this little pitiful voice, "Is it much better?"  He has to reassure her every day that it, in fact, is much better.

Hope that blows over soon.

No Blue House

It's beginning. SchoolGirlSally doesn't want to go to school. I really thought that the novelty wouldn't wear off until she went to grade school, but she's done.

AwesomeMom: We're going to the blue house (her name for the school).
SchoolGirl: No. No blue house.
AwesomeMom: Don't you want to play with your friends?
SchoolGirl: No. No play.
AwesomeMom: Oooookay. Don't you want to color pictures and sing songs.
SchoolGirl: No. No color. Go to Wal-Mart!
AwesomeMom: You want to go to Wal-Mart?
SchoolGirl: Yeah! Go to Wal-Mart

So, my kid would rather go to Wal-Mart than preschool. That's beyond sad.

Daddy's Little Girl

Yesterday, at preschool, some little girl shoved our daughter. It was bound to happen. She was isolated from other kids for so long, that she gets a little overly friendly (stalker!) when she's playing. She also doesn't communicate very well, so the children don't understand her.

I understand. Mr. A, on the other hand, does not. I was informed of the incident when I checked on her at lunch time. I called up Mr. A right away:

"Did they file an incident report?"
They always do.
"Did they write the name of that little shit on the report?"
No, they're not going to do that.
"I'll shove that little shit."
You're not going to shove a 3-year old.
"I'll shove her mom."
No, you're not going to shove her mom. No one's getting shoved.

I have a funny feeling that he won't be so concerned when it comes time for Baby Boy to go to preschool. The conversation will go more like this:

"Did he shove him back?"
No, he didn't.
"What a pussy! He didn't kick him?"
No, he didn't.
"How could he just stand there and take that? Have I taught him nothing?"
He's 2. What are you teaching a 2-year old about fighting?
"Maybe it's time to start him in karate."
Ugh.

Preschool - Take 2

I need to talk to these people. When I called at lunch time, they had mentioned that she had 2 accidents and that she actually ate lunch. Disappointment for the potty thing, but I am encouraged that she ate Sloppy Joes. My kid ate meat.

At the end of the day, when we picked her up, there was a "report card" waiting for the day. It listed what she ate and the activities she participated in. It was cute! They listed her disposition as "busy" and her best friend for the day as "everyone". Yup, sounds like my girl.

Then I look at the napping section and it says she slept for 1/2 an hour. Hmmmmm. No, I don't think so. I notice also that it says she ate all of her lunch. I know for a fact that she didn't. When I called, they said that she ate 1/2 her lunch.

Then I see that her name is spelled incorrectly at the top. I know there's a kid that shares her name there, and that kid spells their name that way.

Ugh. They gave me the wrong kid's report card.

First Day Of Preschool

So, as I mentioned a couple of posts back, Sissy Spazzattack was just enrolled in preschool last week. Wednesday was her first day.

I wanted to put this up on Wednesday, but Mr. Mouthpain has been a late day napper lately. This means that he's just getting up from a nap when I get home from work now and he doesn't want to go back to bed until, at least, midnight. Otherwise, he wants to be held. Ugh.

So, she had a great time! She did pee herself twice, but I think it's just because she waits until the last minute to go to the bathroom at home and when she tries it there, she doesn't quite make it because she isn't accustomed to where the bathroom is located.

She also fell and hit her cheek on a table. Mr. A thinks that this is a conspiracy. No way his little princess's bruise looks like a table edge. Yes it does you dork. We always talk about how accident prone she is. In the year after her first birthday, we were seriously contemplating getting her a helmet. Remember that?

When we went to pick her up, she pretended like she didn't know us. When we walked over to pick her up off the swingset she screamed like we were trying to kidnap her. I'm glad she had a good time, but she kinda scared the other kids.

We'll try it again on Monday.

Prayers For The Preschool

Those poor people have no idea what they just signed on for. We dropped off the forms yesterday to enroll Ms. Mayhem in preschool. Her first day is Wednesday. They said that they look forward to seeing her. I doubt they'll feel the same way the next day we bring her.

I've always heard that kids are different for other people than they are for their parents. They'd better hope so. At the very least it should be interesting. This is what I'm most curious about:

1. There is no TV there. They schedule "movie days" for the older kids, but not for the 3 year olds. I'm really happy about this. She thinks the TV is broken when it isn't playing a cartoon. I hope she learns all about the many, many things that little girls can do without the company of animated friends.
2. She does not eat a wide variety of foods. They serve meals that are approved by state nutritionists. Again, this is something that I'm happy about. I'm hoping that she will start to experiment a little more with her food choices. I have a feeling that we will be packing food for her though.
3. She has never been outside the company of her parents or Grandma. I'm dying to know if she has the same contempt for all adult instruction or if it's just us.
4. Potty training has been a success, but she's going to be in a strange place where she may have to wait for the bathroom every once in a while. I don't think she gives herself time to wait for someone else to get done. I'll be packing a couple of different outfits.

I just hope I don't get called away from work to pick her up on the first day. Actually, that's a lie. I'm kind of hoping she'll be my excuse to cut out early ;).