It's Cute...It's Cute...It's Cute...Now Shaddup

Welcome to my Friday hell.

It started when HelgaHurtsALot somehow found a way to scrape her knee on laminate flooring.  She is the master of unlikely injuries.  The knee started to bleed, so I patched her up with some ointment and a Band-Aid.  Little did I suspect that this would lead to 2 hours of verbal torture.  It started off cute enough, just after applying the Band-Aid...


Awesomeness: There you go, Helga.  All better!
HelgaHurtsALot: Oh, thank you Doctor Mama!
Awesomeness: You're welcome!

Oh, how cute, Doctor Mama.  She is so funny..... What's that Helga?

HelgaHurtsALot: Look, look what's on the TV Doctor Mama!  It's Olivia.  I like Olivia Doctor Mama!
Awesomeness: That's nice honey, just watch your show.

5 seconds later

HelgaHurtsALot: Oh no!  She drop her toy!  She drop it Doctor Mama!!
Awesomeness: Yup, I guess she did.  What do you think she should do about that?
HelgaHurtsALot: She should pick it off the floor Doctor Mama.

This is the point where "Doctor Mama" starts to get on my nerves.  For the next 5 minutes, she continued to commentate every move in her cartoon.  Punctuated, unfortunately, with "Doctor Mama."  Except now, she's trying to give it some pizazz and she's accentuating it "DOCter maMA," which I find infinitely nerve-grating.

After her show was over, the assault didn't end:

"DOCter maMa, can I have some juice?"


"I wanna watch another moobie DOCter maMa."


"Whatchu doing, whatchu doing DOCter maMA?"

And so on, and so on.  At one point she dug a scraper out of my utensil drawer in the kitchen and started fanning me with it:

"I'm making wind at you DOCter maMA!  You're getting very cold now DOCter maMA!"

Great, now she's combining my loathing of having cold air blow on me with an obnoxious new nickname.  Is it bedtime yet?


...


How 'bout now?

Hold Still

Tonight I cut my thumb while preparing dinner.  Preparing dinner is something I don't do often, because cutting my thumb -- or any other finger -- is not a rare occurrence with me.  I quickly washed it off and got a Band-Aid.  Mr. Awesomeness decided this was the point where he needed to step in and take over the cooking duties (seriously, works like a charm every time ladies) and I left the kitchen to nurse my life-threatening wound.

Never fear, though, DoctorDottie came to my rescue!

Dottie: Hold still, Mama.  Hold still.
Awesomeness: What do you need?
Dottie: You need to hold still.  You hurt yourself.  You need to stop moving.
Awesomeness: (actually holding still -- and I thought Mr. A was a sucker) Okay, I'm holding still.  Now what?
Dottie: *poke*

Poked me right in my damn wound.  Yeah.  Cleared it right up.  Thanks Doc.

Occupational Aptitude

On the way home today, I was starting to think that DollyDrivingDirector was showing a natural talent for driving instruction:

DDD: You need get over now daddy.

Mr. Awesomeness: What?

DDD: (silence)

Mr. Awesomeness: What did you say?

DDD: (silence)

Mr. Awesomeness: I think she was talking crap about my driving.

Awesomeness: Thank you for being Dada's driving coach.

DDD: You're welcome mama.

Mr. Awesomeness: I don't think we need to encourage that.

Later on in the commute, however, I started questioning her judgement.  There came a time when someone in a car ahead of us stopped.  I don't know why, possibly to smell the roses.  Maybe to make new friends.  There was nothing blocking his way, so it's really a mystery.  Anyway:

Brakes: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

DDD: That was too close Daddy!

Mr. Awesomeness: Yes, honey, that was too close.

DDD: We need to jump out of the car.

You Take Me To The Store?

Well, today's the big day.  Toy Story 3 comes out on DVD.  MarthaMovieFan is very excited.  She kept asking for it all day yesterday.  Today, her daddy is taking her to get it.  She excitedly runs up the stairs for her clothes and then oddly points out that her brother's bed is very clean.  Strange comment...

I grab her clothes out of the closet just to turn around and find her jumping up and down on the once clean bed with her dirty feet.  Well, who can blame the kid for being enthusiastic?  I gently reminded her:

Awesomeness: Martha, your brother's bed is not a trampoline.
Martha: Aw right, Mama.  (she gets down from the bed)  I get my clothes now?
Awesomeness: Yep, here they are!  Where are you going?
Martha: To the store with my daddy!
Awesomeness: That's right!  Do you know what you're going to get at the store? (Thinking that the answer should be obvious since the kid's been begging for that movie for almost 24 hours straight.)
Martha: I'm gonna get a TRAMPOLINE!

A trampoline.  The only thing cooler than Toy Story 3.

I Go "Trick-o-Tree"

Yesterday, CathyCandyGrabber went trick-or-treating for the first time.  We reminded her of what the rules were before she left:

1. Knock on the door.
2. Wait for the door to open.
3. When the door opens say, "Trick or treat!"
4. Candy.
5. Say "thank you."

When she came home with her daddy half an hour later, he tells me she made up her own rules:

1. Make daddy knock on the door.
2. Turn to run away before the door even opens.
3. Smile and giggle.
4. Candy anyway.
5. Run away!

Oh well, she had fun anyway.  Maybe she'll get it next year.

CountCrybaby helped me pass out candy while his sister and dad were gone.  At first, he was happy to help and loved the sight of all the little kids coming up to the door.

Yeah, he really is the count.

Then he realized that he should be getting candy too.

Incidentally, that's his little belly hanging out underneath his vest.  That shirt/vest thing was supposed to be a 2T, which theoretically means that it's a full size too big for him.  It fit more like a 18 mo.  Very disappointing.

Anyway, then every time the little kids would go away, he'd say, "Byyyyyyyye!" and then I'd see this:

Until the next group of kids showed up.

Overall, it was a fun night, but I'm glad it's only once a year!

Persistence...It Does Not Pay

Sassypants was living up to her screen name all over the place today.  When I got home, I discovered that she asked for noodles for dinner and didn't eat them.  That's a deal breaker in this house and results in requests for additional food to go ignored.

She doesn't care, she makes them anyway.

Insistently.

SassyPants: Can I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Awesomeness: No.  You didn't eat your dinner.  I'm not giving you more food to waste.
SassyPants: But I neeeeeeed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!
Awesomeness: No.  I already told you no.  Don't ask again.
SassyPants: But mooooooom, I neeeeeeed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Awesomeness: If you neeeeeeeeded a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you should have aaaaaaaaaasked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  You didn't.  You asked for noodles, you didn't eat the noodles, you go hungry.
SassyPants: But...
Awesomeness: No.  You're not getting your way.  Stop asking.  Give it up.
SassyPants: I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!!!

She meant it too.  As I'm typing this post, she is still insisting that I need to make her a sandwich.  Sassypants, meet Ignorasaurus Rex.

Faux-hawk Hero

HairyHarry needed a haircut.  He was starting to look really shaggy and my horrible haircutting atrocities that I thought I'd so cleverly hidden were starting to shine through.  It was time to take action.

This is a picture from a couple of days ago:

Look at his sweet little curls.  I hate to cut them off, but I know I would go ballistic the first time someone commented on my "sweet little girl" so I had to do it.

I decided to get it over with this morning after their bath, but before I lost my nerve.  I hate cutting my kids' hair.  It's really evident afterward that I shouldn't handle anything more dangerous than safety scissors.  Despite better judgement, I start hacking away...

...and he starts squirming and screaming bloody murder.  Twenty minutes later, and ten minutes of Mr. A holding him down, he looks like someone attacked him with a weed whacker.  I can't send him to school like that.  All the other 2-year-olds will make fun of him.

Later, I get the idea that I could easily even things out with Mr. A's beard trimmer.  (Every mom who is reading this is facepalming right here.)  I can give you the soundtrack of how that went:

bzzzzzzzzzzzz

Shit.

bzzzzzzzzzzz

Shit!

bzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh, shit.

And so on, for about 15 minutes.

It was clear that there was no easy way to get through this one, so I just said, "fuck it."

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm going to have to keep this kid in hair gel to make it look like this was what I was going for the whole time. The fact that it wasn't will just be our secret.

Green Eggs And Ham For Breakfast

Breakfast is really granola this morning, but we're watching the '70s cartoon adaptation of Green Eggs and Ham at the same time.

HenryHollers-a-lot likes to "sing" along with the songs, which I find cute.  Apparently ShushyShirley does not appreciate his enthusiasm.

Henry: AHHHH AH BAH BAH BAH!
Shirley: STOP YELLING!!
Henry: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO YES!
Shirley: YOU NO YELL BUDDY!  I CAN'T HEAR MY MOOBIE!!
Henry: AH BAH BAH BAH BAH!
Shirley: You are a bad BABY!

She explodes out of her chair and grabs her brother, dragging him away from his breakfast.

Awesomeness: What are you doing?  Let your brother eat his food.
Shirley: He keep yelling at the moobie.  He needs to go to time out.

Generally Speaking

Today, in the kids' speech therapy, LiteralLulu was playing a game that challenged her to think about the general categories of objects on a flashcard.  She was doing great until she got a card where the items seemed unrelated to her at first.

Speech Therapist: Okay, Lulu, what do you see here?
LiteralLulu: I see a lettuce (actually this is peas, but she calls all green vegetables lettuce...), a (green) frog, a (green) tree, and Oscar the Grouch (also green).
Speech Therapist: Why are all of those things the same?
LiteralLulu: Nooooooo, those things are different.
Speech Therapist: They seem different, but they have something in common.  Do you know what that is?
LiteralLulu: Well.........um........
Speech Therapist: (trying to be helpful) These are all the same because these are all....
LiteralLulu: THINGS!

*facepalm*

I'll Get Right On That

This morning was not good for me.  After an entire week of having half the world in my face from sun up to sun down, my mind and body just crashed and burned.  I got the kids up, thinking I could manage if I could get them fed and then engaged in something.  No, I was done.  I needed more sleep.

That's what I thought I needed anyway, DoctorDotty had a different opinion.

DoctorDotty: What you doin' Mama?
Awesomeness: I need more rest sweetie, so I'm just going to lie here for a while.
DoctorDotty: You no go to sleep Mama!
Awesomeness: I really need sleep honey.  If you need something, can you get your dad please?
DoctorDotty: Mama, you need go poopoo.
Awesomeness: I don't honey.  I don't feel like I have to go poopoo at all.
DoctorDotty: Yes Mama.  You need go poopoo so you feel better.

What do you say to that?  I just threw a blanket over my head and went to sleep.