Sunday, June 28, 2009

Front Room Banana Peel Farming?

Today's activities get me curious as to what MaryQuiteContrary has planted under my living room floor. Whatever it is, she feels the need to water it constantly. We just cleaned up 5 huge puddles of water from various spots on the floor.

How did we discover the water? When InnocentBystanderBoy slipped and fell on his ass. Good thing it's padded. No sooner did we get that cleaned up, then she slips and falls in another puddle a few feet away. On our way to another towel to clean that up, we discover 3 more.

So now I've got 2 babies with bruised psyches who want Mama to snuggle them back to 100% betterness. This forces me and Mr. A to do this weird kid-juggle-a-thon until both of them get settled down.

If I'm looking for a bright side, I guess I could say that those spots on my floor are a little bit cleaner now.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Crib - It's Actually A Torture Device

Now we get to solve the mystery of why KidKribophobe is suddenly refusing to sleep in his crib. Little man will sleep in his Pack 'n Play just fine -- which can't be nearly as comfortable -- but acts like the crib is a medieval dungeon torture chamber.

I've spent every night this last week on the couch downstairs because, otherwise, this kid howls so loud that cats in heat throw shoes at him. I can't take it. I'm sleep deprived to the max and I don't care if I'm indulging bad habits. I'll worry about that when I'm better rested.

My current theories:
  1. He doesn't prefer the crib mattress.
  2. Dada's snoring sounds like an asthmatic dragon is loose in the room.
  3. The shiny box with the colorful talking dogs is downstairs, so this is where he wants to be.
  4. When Mama is super sleepy she is not nearly as attentive. This means he gets to play with the good toys. Like Mama's shoes or Sissy's potty chair. (Yeah, I should work on that....)
  5. He's just a little jerk. (This is always my default "when all else fails" theory. It's lazy thinking, but it is also a plausible assumption.)

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Looky here little dude. Your sister needs to be able to eat in peace. You're harassing her during her meals and it needs to stop.

You circle around her table making very aggressive grabs for her food. This forces her to have to also circle the table to stay a step ahead of you. Then she wants to get mad and push you down. While I have to put my foot down about the shoving, I also can say that I can't blame her for getting frustrated.

I've been cooking you the same foods as her every meal that I can. Do pancakes really taste better on her plate than they do on your high chair tray? They must because you didn't touch yours, but you're wolfing hers down.

I've tried putting your food on the edge of the table and letting you eat on the other side. Nope. If it's not on Sissy's plate, it's not the good stuff.

We'll keep trying, but, if all else is failing, you're going to be confined to your playpen for the duration of her meals. Keep in mind, we're talking about your sister. You know, the girl who takes and hour 1/2 to eat 5 mini pancakes. Not good times for you, buddy, so shape up.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Family Camp In - Day 2

Subtitled: Who's stupid idea was this again?
Disclaimer: What's with the bugs Blogger? Why can't I put spaces between my paragraphs? I'll try to make it easier on the eyes for everyone.

So the second night did not go nearly as well as the first. Neither of the kids were interested in sleep until around midnight. There's not really a good way to keep them both settled down at the same time. The minute she's bored or bothered, she cries and whines, which keeps him up. He makes sure to return the favor. Apparently only Dada and I need sleep.
LavaLass had mostly cooled down. We still monitored her during the night for good measure, but she never got back above 100. She did get cold though. She kept kicking her covers off, then waking up because she's cold. I don't know why she's not making the mental connection to just put her blanket back on, but she chose to start crying and walking around the house instead.
Of course, this wakes her brother up, who now has to be walked around and patted. We finally get her back into bed and put her blankets on. BrotherBerserko is cuddled back to sleep.
Fast forward to one hour later, when that whole mess gets repeated. No one got any sleep. This will officially end our family camp in adventure.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Family Camp In - Day 1

Neither the Mr. nor I wanted to leave LavaHead Lucy by herself last night, so we planned a family living room "camp in." Mr. A took the couch, I got the love seat, BiteyBoy camped out in his playpen, La'H'Lu' got her mattress on the floor.

In front of the TV.

Now, we have a tendency to cater to the girl when she's sick. It's not the ideal thing to do, but when your normally hyperactive firecracker is glassy-eyed and staring at the wall for almost an hour, it's hard to deny her request to watch Baby Deer (Bambi) even though Dada prefers root canals.

We watched Over The Hedge 3 times. Wall-E twice. We also found out that the menu sequence for Over The Hedge plays a semi horn. See my gripe about the dumbasses that make DVDs.

All in all, it went better than I thought. The fever broke around 3:30. Somehow, everyone actually got some sleep in between the truck horn and the alarm going off every couple of hours.

We're going for a repeat performance tonight. Wish us retroactive luck.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Mystery Solved

Well, SisterSickopants, your Father's Day present to Dada this morning was to be a puking fireball of a daughter. He got to wake up early to your very loud crying, followed closely by your very loud vomit noises. Now we know why you were so fascinated with going to see the doctor yesterday.

As a special treat, your Dada got to make an early morning trip to Walgreen's for medicine, Gatorade and a thermometer that doesn't totally suck. Your temperature this morning, according to the one we had, was somewhere between 97 and 107 degrees. I had a feeling that the three 102 degree readings were more accurate, but I'd rather be sure.

Maybe next week we can take him out for a nice lunch like we were going to this week. In the meantime, rest up HotHeadHannah.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Somewhere? Anywhere?

My little GoGoGirl is getting all kinds of spoiled on leaving the house several times during the week now. Every day she thinks we should go bye-bye. This morning I found out she doesn't even care where we're going, she just wants to leave.

When I went in to her room this morning:

"We're going to the blue house?" (her name for school)
"Nope. Not today baby."
"We're going to the store?"
"Not if I can help it."
"We're going to the doctor?"
"Nope, not going to .... what'd you say? Where're we going?"
"We're going to the doctor!"
"What the hell! You hate the doctor!"
"No, no, no! I luvva doctor!"
"No you don't. You cried when we were there."
"No, no, no! I luvva doctor!"
"You're crazy."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Ahoy Captain Ridiculous!

Are you ready to assume your new position BabyFormerlyKnownAsHappyBoy? Here are your Captain Ridiculous duties:

  • Stay up until midnight -- at the earliest -- every night. No exception.
  • Refuse to eat unless someone is holding you. Make sure you mix this up with refusing to eat if someone is holding you. This is crucial for maximum confusion and frustration.
  • Only play with things that will hurt or kill you. Nothing else is all that much fun anyway. Especially if someone paid good money for it. Paying good money for toys when there are perfectly good forks laying around is just silly.
  • When you're being held, scream and squirm as much as possible. Then when you're put down, scream louder and throw yourself back, so your parents have to quickly pick you back up before you crack your head on the floor. They love this. It's good exercise.
  • Speaking of screaming, make sure that you always do it at a decibel level that will alert the entire neighborhood to your displeasure. Maybe one of those guys will know why you're screaming so loud that Mama's ears are bleeding.
  • Mama's laptop is the best toy ever. That's why she plays on it so much. It's fun to pound on the keyboard. It's even more fun to pull on the monitor while Mama's typing. Unplugging it, then chewing on the plug is the ultimate fun.
  • Confuse your parents often with deep eye rubs followed by vehement sleep protests. Lack of sleep is good for you. It will grow hair on your chest.
  • Dinner is your enemy. Make sure it never gets cooked. Distract Mama and Dada by combining the "crying while clinging to pants" technique learned earlier this year with perennial favorite, "making fake choking noises."
  • If you do find yourself in the unfortunate position of almost falling asleep, quickly turn your head to dislodge the bottle. This will give you that extra jolt you need to completely wake up for at least another hour.

Your job is a difficult and thankless one. Good luck Captain.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Preschool - Take 2

I need to talk to these people. When I called at lunch time, they had mentioned that she had 2 accidents and that she actually ate lunch. Disappointment for the potty thing, but I am encouraged that she ate Sloppy Joes. My kid ate meat.

At the end of the day, when we picked her up, there was a "report card" waiting for the day. It listed what she ate and the activities she participated in. It was cute! They listed her disposition as "busy" and her best friend for the day as "everyone". Yup, sounds like my girl.

Then I look at the napping section and it says she slept for 1/2 an hour. Hmmmmm. No, I don't think so. I notice also that it says she ate all of her lunch. I know for a fact that she didn't. When I called, they said that she ate 1/2 her lunch.

Then I see that her name is spelled incorrectly at the top. I know there's a kid that shares her name there, and that kid spells their name that way.

Ugh. They gave me the wrong kid's report card.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Why We Stay Home

Yesterday, I thought it would be fun to get the kids out of the house and hang out somewhere else for a while. After about an hour, I remembered why we don't ever do this. Our friends that we go visit don't live in a babyproof home. They're 3 bachelors, so not so much as one outlet cover and crap is laying out everywhere. This was my visit repeated on a loop for about 7 hours:

Get out of the cat food.
Get out of the dog water.
Get out of the toilet.
Stop playing with the drums please.
Get out of the cat food.
No eating the iPhone.
Stop climbing the cat stand.
Get out of his bedroom.
Don't put your face in the doggy's face.
Get out of the cupboards.
Stop pushing the buttons on the water dispenser.
Get out of the dog water.
You don't need to get into the litter box.
Stop stealing their chips off the counter.
Get out of the fridge.
Don't play with the electrical outlets.
Get out of the cat food.
That kitty's sleeping and he doesn't like you anyway.
Do you have something to clean up puke with?
Get out of the dog water.
Don't turn the dishwasher on.
Eat your granola at the table please.
Stop turning the lights on.
Get out of the fridge.
No climbing the entertainment center.
No you can't play with their flashlight.
Get out of the cat food.
Stop pushing the buttons on the water dispenser.
Is it time to go yet?

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Big Boy Food

My SillySharkyKid has been indicating for a while that he has no interest in being spoonfed. Any and all attempts to put babyfood to his lips is met with spitting, angry noises, a little head tossing and ends with him getting totally annoyed and shoving his spoon away in a huff.

There are only a few foods for bigger babies on the market and they all involve spoon feeding the baby. We already know he's not putting up with that malarky. The puffs they sell are not meal material. So Big Boy food, here we come.

Our first meal was mac 'n cheese with chicken and cooked carrots. He did very well. The noodles were just little O shaped pastas -- think Spaghetti Os. That was nice, because then I didn't have to cut them up for him. I did cut up the chicken because it wasn't very mushy. I gave him this with some potato bread. He gobbled that up in no time.

So long short-lived baby food days. I will not miss you at all.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

First Day Of Preschool

So, as I mentioned a couple of posts back, Sissy Spazzattack was just enrolled in preschool last week. Wednesday was her first day.

I wanted to put this up on Wednesday, but Mr. Mouthpain has been a late day napper lately. This means that he's just getting up from a nap when I get home from work now and he doesn't want to go back to bed until, at least, midnight. Otherwise, he wants to be held. Ugh.

So, she had a great time! She did pee herself twice, but I think it's just because she waits until the last minute to go to the bathroom at home and when she tries it there, she doesn't quite make it because she isn't accustomed to where the bathroom is located.

She also fell and hit her cheek on a table. Mr. A thinks that this is a conspiracy. No way his little princess's bruise looks like a table edge. Yes it does you dork. We always talk about how accident prone she is. In the year after her first birthday, we were seriously contemplating getting her a helmet. Remember that?

When we went to pick her up, she pretended like she didn't know us. When we walked over to pick her up off the swingset she screamed like we were trying to kidnap her. I'm glad she had a good time, but she kinda scared the other kids.

We'll try it again on Monday.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Bedtime Is The New Playtime

Okay, Restless Ruby, we're going to have to come to an agreement about what's supposed to happen when I take you up to your room at the end of the night. Bedtime is just dragging on for way too long.

9:00 - Feed the kitties, your bedtime chore. Please just put some food in the scoop, then pour it into the bowl. If you spill some, let me clean it up. You do not need to pick up each individual piece of food one at a time. I appreciate the effort, but not the time it takes.

9:10 - We finally make it into your room. You freak out until I finally relent to letting you pull every one of your 40 billion toys out so I can watch you jump over them. Awesome, let's get your pajamas on.

9:15 - We play, "Where's Your Pull-ups?" I'll give you a hint: they're in the same drawer they're always in every night. You always respond with, "I dunnooooooooo....." then proceed to pull open every drawer but that one.

9:16 - Let's get the Pull-up on please. Putting both of your legs through the same leg hole just to be funny is kinda pissing me off. You know how to put it on correctly, maybe if you continue to do it, I'll just let you go to bed that way.

9:19 - Oh look, you found your other leg hole -- finally. Now let's get your pajamas. Where's your pajamas? I dunnoooooo.... Argh.

9:25 - You're finally in PJs. Yippee. Let's pick a book to read. You now have to rummage through your wide assortment of books. I read you the first one you bring to me. Where are you going? Oh, to get 3 more books. Well, if they're not too long and you're good then maybe..... Oh, you just want to jump them. Are we going to read a story or not? Your crying at my stopping the story is conflicting with your talking over me and complete lack of attention while I'm reading.

9:37 - Let's get the toys back in the bins so we can go to sleep. You individually pick up each one, but only after I name them. Some of them a couple of times. Oh no! Did your baby deer hit his head on the wall? Does he have a boo-boo? Now he's crying? He got a Band Aid? Is he much better now? You milk this for as long as you can.

9: 44 - Enough! Get in bed and give me some goodnight kisses. One or two is fine. You won't let me leave the room though until I've kissed all 6 stuffed animals in the bed, then kissed you at least 4 times. We're not making out kid. Good night!

Sunday, June 7, 2009


Missy Migraine:


-- going into the bathroom when you don't have to go potty.
-- turning on the bathtub and sticking your head under the faucet.
-- standing naked in the front room window.
-- trying to play with your brother when he's napping.
-- brushing your teeth with the dog's water.

Bummer Boy:


-- spitting your food all over me.
-- faking me out like you're going to take a nap, then not doing it.
-- crying and crying and crying and crying and crying....
-- throwing yourself backward when you know I don't have a good grip on you.
-- making little puke puddles all over the floor for me to step in.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Prayers For The Preschool

Those poor people have no idea what they just signed on for. We dropped off the forms yesterday to enroll Ms. Mayhem in preschool. Her first day is Wednesday. They said that they look forward to seeing her. I doubt they'll feel the same way the next day we bring her.

I've always heard that kids are different for other people than they are for their parents. They'd better hope so. At the very least it should be interesting. This is what I'm most curious about:

  1. There is no TV there. They schedule "movie days" for the older kids, but not for the 3 year olds. I'm really happy about this. She thinks the TV is broken when it isn't playing a cartoon. I hope she learns all about the many, many things that little girls can do without the company of animated friends.
  2. She does not eat a wide variety of foods. They serve meals that are approved by state nutritionists. Again, this is something that I'm happy about. I'm hoping that she will start to experiment a little more with her food choices. I have a feeling that we will be packing food for her though.
  3. She has never been outside the company of her parents or Grandma. I'm dying to know if she has the same contempt for all adult instruction or if it's just us.
  4. Potty training has been a success, but she's going to be in a strange place where she may have to wait for the bathroom every once in a while. I don't think she gives herself time to wait for someone else to get done. I'll be packing a couple of different outfits.

I just hope I don't get called away from work to pick her up on the first day. Actually, that's a lie. I'm kind of hoping she'll be my excuse to cut out early ;).

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Energizer Bunny

What is wrong with you PartyTilTheBreakODawn Boy? Mama is falling asleep trying to get this post out. How the heck can you be so awake?

Your normally combative sister went down without a fuss tonight. What kind of Bizarro World did I step into that you're the bratty kid and she's the quiet, compliant one?

Attempt number one to get you to sleep was a bust. You had a couple of gulps of milk, then you decided that your thirst was slated and it was time to play. Play, play, play, play, play, eye rubs....hmmm.

Attempt number two had me fooled. You looked asleep, you had your eyes closed and everything. Then all of a sudden you perk up like a little jack-in-the-box. Ugh.

Attempt number three. Hmm. Third time really is a charm. Who would have guessed. Just in the nick of time too. I think my alarm's about to go off.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Happy Crying Day Everyone!

We celebrated Crying Day with a non-stop cryfest. Since I have 2 kids, they each took 1 ear and proceeded to scream into it for hours on end. It's so heartwarming when kids that young get into the holidays.

Mr. ToothMaster9000 participated in the traditional Cling To Mama's Pants And Scream While She Cooks Dinner Event. For 1/2 an hour. Whadda ya want, kid? I let you play with a bamboo spoon. Nope, not happy. I gave you some of those Gerber cheese things you like. Nope, still not happy.

This, of course leads straight into the old Try To Grab Food Off Of Mama's Plate, Then Cry When She Pushes It Out Of Your Way Spectactular. You thought you wanted green beans CryGuy. Mama gave you a green bean. She picked it out of her shag rug later. Then you made a lunge for her steak. Not happening kid. Grow a few more teeth, then come back and talk to me.

MissyPissyPants peed on the floor just inside her fathers office. The one that's 3 feet away from the bathroom. Playing in the Doom Room is fun, fun, fun, but we can't ignore Mother Nature. Of course, Dada got, uh, mad-a and started yelling. This was good for at least 15 minutes of crying.

I finally got her calmed down with a coloring book and some crayons. Until she started eating them. On the bright side, her poop is going to be some pretty rainbow colors. So, into the trash with the crayons. That was good for another 15 minutes of crying.

Then there's bedtime. I take NoSleepNancy up to her room to put her down. I have to bring LateForBedLarry with me because his Dada is busy fighting an alien alligator or something with his friends. He's crying because he wants to sleep. She's crying because she'd like to stay up for another 3 hours. What a perfect end to Crying Day.