Monday, December 27, 2010

The Great Apple Juice Shortage of 2010

Today, I realized that we are officially out of apple juice.  This would not normally be an issue, but my son prefers it and, since he's sick, he's even more particular than usual about getting his way.  When I announced that we were out of apple juice, HelpfulHannah stepped in to help me identify the apple juice that, very obviously, had to be in the fridge.  I must be getting ill myself, because I spent 5 minutes indulging this:

Hannah: Is this apple juice?
Awesomenes: No, that's Worcestershire sauce.
Hannah: Is this apple juice?
Awesomeness: No, that's soy sauce.
Hannah: Is this apple juice?
Awesomeness: No, that's ketchup.
Hannah: Oh yeah.  Ketchup is for french fries.  Is this apple juice?
Awesomeness: No, that's mustard.  Do you know what mustard is for?
Hannah: Mustard is for hot dogs. (I raised her right, thank you very much.)  Is this apple juice?
Awesomeness: No, that's milk
Hannah: Oh yeah.  Is this apple juice?
Awesomeness: No, that's Caesar dressing.
Hannah: Ew.

Etcetera.  Forever.

Actually for 5 minutes, but it felt like forever.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Spirit of Giving

If my ultimate goal during the Christmas season is to make sure that my children understand that the holiday is all about giving, then I have succeeded.  Yesterday, my kids gave to me all day long:

8:45 a.m.: My daughter gave me an ulcer.

We had just finished unwrapping the last of our gifts when MaryChristmas suddenly announced that she needed to go downstairs now and take a nap on the couch.  She looked very pale and drained, so we took her downstairs and checked her temperature: 100.7.  Nice.  Twenty minutes later we checked her again and her temp had shot up by over a degree.

This is not only no way for a child to spend Christmas, but it's also reminiscent of last year, when she got so sick we eventually had to admit her to the hospital for two days.  We got some fever reducer in her before she fell asleep.  Two hours later, she was back up and playing with her brother.


11:30 a.m.: My son gave me a heart attack.

The first sign of trouble was the universal kid-in-distress signal: he was being very quiet.  All of a sudden, Mr. Awesomeness yells, "What is he choking on?!"  We run over to him and he starts fighting us.  The kid can't breathe, but he doesn't want to give up whatever is in his mouth.  At this point, we did what any caring parent would, we forcefully pinned his ass down.  This is when we fish about a lb. of blue foamy stuff out of his mouth.  Well, where the hell did that come from?  We don't buy our kids foam anything, specifically because they try to eat everything.

Then I notice this little blue bouncy ball I got for him as a stocking stuffer.  The ball that I thought was made of either plastic or a hard rubber.  Apparently not, as it had a huge bite taken out of it. Ugh.

8:05 p.m.: My son gave me a shower.

The night was winding down and we thought it was ending well.  MaryChristmas was maintaining a good normal temperature and ChokeyCharlie hadn't tried to eat any of his other presents.  Less than an hour to go until bedtime.  We've almost made it....

ChokeyCharlie started to cry.  This was not unexpected because he missed his nap time this afternoon.

Awesomeness: What's the matter, buddy, are you sleepy?  You should have taken a na.....

I'm guessing that, by the time he was done, I had about half a gallon mixture of apple juice, water, milk, raisins, crackers, chips, turkey, bread and chocolate all down the front of me.

How did he know I've had that on my list for years and years?

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Moooooore Braaaaaaains

SilentBob, I've been hoping that you would start communicating with us for a long time now.  You held out for so long that your pediatrician now swears you're autistic.  We both know that's not true, so we sit and patiently wait for a time when you can communicate your needs.  And now you do...

SilentBob: Grink!!
Awesomeness: Oh! You need a drink, buddy?  Good job!  Let me get you a drink.

15 minutes later, I get a cup to the face.

SilentBob: Grink!!
Awesomeness: You need more drink?  Let me get you something...

5 minutes later, I realize I haven't heard you for a while.  When I track you down, you're pouring your drink all over the floor.  We take the drink away, because you were obviously not that thirsty.

10 minutes later:

SilentBob: Grink!!
Awesomeness: No way, buddy.  You poured your last drink on the floor.  You can have another drink in a little bit.
SilentBob: Grink!!
SilentBob: GRINK!!  GRINK!!  GRINK!!  GRINK!!  GRINK!!

Well now I've gotten my wish.  This is a conversation we have about 39 times every day.  It's nice talking to you, but you need to come up with some new words.