Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Survival 101

CaveBabyCalvin doesn't talk.  He's just over a month away from his second birthday and he just grunts and cries when he wants something.  We're trying not to freak out too much about it, because his sister was pretty much the same way.

We're working with him though.  So far: we read to him, we name everything he touches, but we have also put together a collection of pictures in different categories so we can show them on our TV to CaveBaby.  He, like most kids, will pay attention to anything on the TV.

The bigger of the folders is for animals.  What kid doesn't like animals?  It turns into a family event, where even AnnieAnimalLover gets involved.  We're then able to bring up a picture and name the animal for Calvin and then discuss other facts about the animals with Annie.

Camel, buddy!  That's a camel.  He lives in the desert, Annie.
 And so on.  For whatever reason, Mr. A decided to turn tonight's picture show into an episode of Survivorman For Babies.  Then I had to be a smartass and it turned into an episode of When Good Kids Go Bad.  Here's how that played out:

Mr. A: Look! A snake!  Ssssssnake.  Annie, what do you do when you see a snake?
Annie: I dunno Daddy.
Mr. A: You run away.  You always run away from a snake.  A snake will bite you and you'll get hurt.
Annie: A snake is very ouchie.
Mr. A: That's right, so when you see a snake, you run away.

Mr. A: Spi-der.  Spi-der.  You also run away from a spider, Annie.  Run away and tell daddy when you see a spider.
Annie:  I run away from the spider.

Mr. A: Fla-min-go.  That's a flamingo.
Awesomeness: When you see a flamingo, you run away.  Flamingos are dangerous.
Annie: Oh no!  Flamingos!  I run away from flamingos.
Mr. A: *Shoots me a dirty look.*  Really?
Awesomeness: Look at them.  They're pink because they're bathed in blood. (blah, blah, blah ... because they eat shrimp ... that's not nearly as funny)
Annie: Flamingo is very ouchie.

Mr. A: That's a seahorse.  Sea-horse.
Annie: I luvva seahorse!
Mr. A: Great!  When you see a seahorse, you put a saddle on him and take him for a ride.
Awesomeness: Mine was funnier.

Mr. A: ...I think that's a monkey.
Awesomeness: It's clearly a lemur.  Look at that pizazz!  He obviously likes to move it, move it.
Mr. A: He looks like he's saying, "What's up motherfucker?!"
Awesomeness: He's saying, "I'm on the deck with my boys motherfucker."
Annie: Yeah motherfutter.
Mr. A: .... um
Awesomeness: Next picture please.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Future Therapy Sessions

Yep.  My kids are going to need some therapy when we get done with them.  Today's reason:

Every once in a while, PeggyPeePeePants will get too involved in whatever she's doing and forget to go to the bathroom until the last minute.  A year ago, we let her slide on that.  She'd just gotten the hang of going on the toilet, so we figured she needed a break.  Now, however, she's 4 years old.  She's been potty trained for well over a year now.  There's no excuse for it.

Slowly over the last year it became obvious to us that this problem wasn't resolving itself so we needed to step in.  Behaviorists we read up on had us reward her for going on the potty.  To that, I'll say, "That's not for my kid."  It just doesn't work.  We tried stickers, treats, stickers and treats, fake tattoos, extra computer time.  All sorts of fun things.  We were consistent with each reward and gave each one more than enough time to work.  Nothing.

This isn't to say that she doesn't go on the toilet the majority of the time.  She just has bad days.  Days where she goes through, on average, six pairs of underpants because she started going on her way to the toilet.  It's frustrating for her and frustrating for us.  So, when rewarding didn't work out, we tried punishment.

Time out.  STRIKE ONE.  Spanking.  STRIKE TWO. Grounding from cartoons/computer games/coloring and other enjoyable passtimes.  STRIKE THREE.  YEEEEEEER OUT!

Regrouping ... Thinking ...

Stand in the corner.  STRIKE ONE.  Make her wear her dirty panties.  EJECTED FROM THE GAME EARLY ON.  Well, shit...

Make her wear her daddy's clothes?  HOMERUN!!

This morning she peed her panties, then somehow got her dress in the toilet.  I didn't have another outfit downstairs and I wasn't about to run upstairs for another one, so I just grabbed one of her daddy's t-shirts and slapped it on her.  Listening to her carry on about it, you would think I stuck a rotting skunk carcass on the kid (you'll know I'm desperate when I actually do this).

PPPP: I don't wanna wear this.  This not a dress.  It's daddy's.
Awesomeness: Well, that's too bad honey.  You shouldn't have put your dress in the toilet.
PPPP: I wanna wear my clothes. PWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE Mama!
Awesomeness: I'll put your clothes on you when you stop sticking them in the toilet.  Until then you get to wear your daddy's shirt.
Awesomeness: Really?  Let's go show your daddy your new dress and see if he likes it.

I take her by her arm and lead her down the hallway to Mr. A's office.
PPPP: NO!  Dada, don't look at me!

She curls up in a little ball in the corner of the hallway to avoid being seen.

Mr. A: Huh.  She used to like wearing my shirts.
Awesomeness: Yeah, not so much anymore.  Now she's totally embarrassed to be seen in your stuff, dude.
Mr. A: I wonder if we could get her school to cooperate with her new dress code.
Awesomeness: It would probably be harder for them to keep it on her.  We could make her a special dress.  An ugly, gray one with a big red 'P' on the chest.  You know, for Pants Pisser.
Mr. A: I don't think she'd understand.  It would have to be something she doesn't like.
Awesomeness: She doesn't like meat.  We could just hang a steak around her neck.

I wonder how much therapy will cost in the year 2024...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Too Much, Ya Think?

I'm beginning to think that we allow SuzieSquarePantsFan to watch a little too much SpongeBob SquarePants.  It's been her favorite show since she was a year old and she still frequently asks to watch old episodes.  Sometimes enough is enough though...

Suzie: I wanna watch more SpongeBob.
Awesomeness: No, ma'am.  We've seen enough of him for the day.
Suzie: I wanna just watch that one SpongeBob...
Awesomeness: No.  No more Bob for the day.
Suzie: Aw, barnacles!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Watch What You Say: Lesson #294

I was cruising the grocery store today with PaulaRevere, when someone drove by in one of those little scooter things.

Paula: Mama, what that?
Awesomeness: It's a scooter.
Paula: A scooter?
Awesomeness: It's so people can ride around when they can't walk very well.
Paula: They drive 'round and 'round in the scooter?
Awesomeness: Yep.  We have to be careful and watch out for the people in the scooters.

Okay.   What I meant there was: "We have to watch out for them so we don't get in their way or hit them with our cart."  Honestly, I didn't even fathom that this could be misinterpreted.

Later in the trip, we reach the end of the aisle where there is a nice-looking old lady in a scooter.


I could not get out of that aisle fast enough.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Best Daddy Ever

Mr. A and DrummerDaisy were sitting on the couch earlier today.  Daisy was playing a toy drum that sings in Spanish.   After about 5 minutes of listening to it, Mr. A got annoyed and switched her drum to English.

Mr. A:  Maybe the drum should sing in English for a while.  You already know more Spanish than me, kid.
Daisy: Hey, you switch my drum!
Mr. A: Yep, because I'm the best daddy ever.
Daisy: Best daddy ever?
Mr. A: Yeah, the best daddy ever!
Daisy: .....
Mr. A: Well, I'm your best daddy ever.
Daisy: Yeah, you're my daddy...

Punked by a 4-year old.  It was sad to watch.

New Naptime Strategy

Play Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon

The Blame Game (It Begins Now)

BettyBlame-Shifter: Mama, I want some fish. (Goldfish crackers)

So, I got her some fish.  She then proceeds to sit on the couch with her bowl of fish.

Awesomeness: Young lady, we don't sit on  the couch with the fish.  Please take them to your table.

BettyBlame-Shifter: OOOOOOOOOOOH-taaaaaaaay. 

As she's getting up from the couch, she tips her bowl over.  Who didn't see that coming?

BettyBlame-Shifter: *looks at the mess for about 5 seconds* Mama!!  Look!  You make a mess.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Do The Dew!

Mr. A was in the kitchen earlier this evening, fixing dinner and chatting with me, when it occurs to him that he left the door to the office open.

The office, A.K.A. the Room of Doom is now infested by GilbertGrabbyHands.  This occurs to Mr. A very suddenly and he runs, frantically, for the room.  Two seconds later, I hear:

Oh yeah!  That's just fucking awesome
This isn't good.  Before I could yell out to get the story, Mr. A comes strolling in carrying GGHands by his arms.


Can you take him and change him?  He has a diaper full of Mountain Dew.
 Apparently GilbertGrabbyHands sat down in his Dada's computer chair and dumped Dada's fresh Mountain Dew all over himself.

Yeah, Mr. A, that is pretty fucking awesome.