Monday, May 17, 2010


Tonight, BabyHoudini, I'm ready for you.  We got your crib knocked down to the lowest setting, I've got the door closed and the gate up at the top of the stairs.  I camped out at the top of the stairs for an extra 5 minutes just in case you decided to try something funny.  I kept you up for as long as possible for maximum tiredness.  What do you have to say about that?

Nothing.  I put you in your crib where you curled up in your blanket and went right to sleep.


Thanks For An Interesting Evening


Bottle Break 2010 was a success.  He hasn't had a bottle for almost 2 weeks now.  Nap time is a little hard on him, but he's been managing just fine.  Bedtime is the worst.  He still cries for up to 5 minutes when I put him to bed.  He does go to sleep though.

Until last night.  We went up to bed around 9:15.  He started crying; I walked away.

15 minutes later: still crying.
30 minutes later: still crying.
1 hour later: still crying.

I figured he has got to be close to crying himself to sleep by now...When all of a sudden, I hear his little voice.  Giggling.  From the stairwell.  This one:

The one that has lots of glass for him to smash his head into.  He made it all the way to the first landing (seen at the top of the picture) before I got to him.

While I was impressed that he made it down 4 steps without falling and breaking his neck, it didn't alleviate my my heart attack.

Apparently, he decided he was done with his bed and he wanted to come down to see us.


This one wasn't too much of a shocker.  All day long, this kid has had gas that smelled like road kill.  We knew something along her digestive tract was bothering her, but she said her stomach felt fine.

Around 11:30, I woke up to her cries.  When I made my way over to her room, Mr. A was already there.  So was about a gallon of puke.

Family camp out on the couches.


Oh, except that ClarenceCribClimber can now get out of his crib and terrorize the house at will.

Sorry Mr. A, you're on your own.


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Wile E. Coyote: Super Bad Coyote

It's Saturday morning cartoon time.  We're watching a classic Road Runner/Coyote cartoon.

LillyLooneyTunesFan: Look Mama!  It's a coyote! 
Awesomeness: Yep, that's the coyote.  What's he doing?
LillyLooneyTunesFan: The coyote is chasing the road runner.  He's a bad, bad coyote.
Awesomeness: Oh no!  What's that bad, bad coyote doing now?
LillyLooneyTunesFan: He gonna catch the road runner!
Awesomeness: What's he going to do when he catches the road runner?
LillyLooneyTunesFan: He gonna hit him!!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Go Away Fwy!

Today we discovered a breakthrough in fly repellent:

FarahFlyHater:  Go away icky fwy!
You get out my bathroom pweese.

IckyFwy: bbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

FarahFlyHater: Go out of my bathroom right NOW!

Icky Fwy: bbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Icky Fwy: bbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yeah.  It works about as well as any other fly repellent.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Boys Have A Penis. Girls Have A Vagina

CuriousConnie has now had Sex Ed Lesson 2.

Lesson 1 occurred when she discovered her little girl area and we had to give her a word to call it.  I would love to just tell her to call it a vagina, but neither Mr. A nor I really don't like the word.  So we've taken to calling it her 'gina.  Not "correct", but I don't care.

Tonight, while playing with her brother in the tub, the inevitable finally happened.  She reached over and touched her brother.  There.  Then she giggled and said, "I touched Brother's butt."

Awesomeness: No, honey, that's not Brother's butt, that's his penis.
CuriousConnie: Yeah, that's right, that's his penis.  And that's his arm!

Yes, let's talk about his arm please.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I Want My Blankies Back

I have three throw blankets that hang around the living room waiting for me to catch a chill.  They never have to wait for very long, as I'm pretty much a lizard.  Recently, the kids have decided that, no matter how many of their own blankets are around, they need to use mine.  Usually as a napkin or toilet.

Right now I'm shivering and hunched over my laptop, using its heat to keep my hands from frosting over (which is also why I'm posting for a second time today--I've got to keep moving) and where are my blankets?

Blanket #1: The boy fell asleep in it the other night, so I left him in it to take him to bed.  What I failed to notice on the way up is that he spilled milk on it.  Later that night he got mad about the no bottle thing and it got kicked underneath his bed.  This is where I found it this morning.  Stinking like four day old milk.  It's in the washing machine right now.

Blanket #2: This is a huge black and gray comforter.  Not really a "throw" blanket, but sometimes I get really, really cold and a little, fuzzy butt-cover just won't do.  Right now it's missing.  I know the kids took it somewhere and did something with it, but now I can't find it.  Where would it be if I could find it?  In the wash with the throw.  The last time I saw the thing, my boy had peed on it while napping.

Blanket #3: Is in the car and I'm not touching it.  Carsick Cathy barfed on it.  Even if I washed it, I would know it used to have puke on it and, therefore, would not cover myself with it.  I'm a weirdo.  Someday, I will trick Mr. A into removing it from the car for me and then I will kill it with fire.

Yes the car smells.

Really though, it would smell anyway because of the fast food bags in the back.  And because of the week old coffee mug I keep forgetting to bring in.

Now this is getting gross, but I can't stop typing.

Selfish Corruption

Last year for Mother's Day, I got an escapee who wrote on my walls with permanent marker.  It was not the most stellar present.  This year, however, we're trying a new tactic: selfish corruption.  We started the morning by telling BrattyBetty that today is Mother's Day.  Tell your Mama "Happy Mother's Day," BrattyB!

Then, because we can tell her WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANT, Mother's Day is now a day when "kids have to do whatever their Mamas say" and when "Mamas get to type on their computers without babies crawling all over her (for once)," and when "Mama wants to check out your cool toy you just got for your birthday, you have to let her."

This will probably get out of control by the end of the day.

So far today, ClumsyCalvin has:

  • fallen backwards off the coffee table
  • peed on the floor
  • fallen for no reason whatsoever and hit his head on my laptop
Apparently we were working on the wrong kid.

At least the kids are getting along:

BrattyBetty: Aw! ClumsyCalvin so cute!
Awesomeness: You love your brother?
BrattyBetty: Yeeeeeaaaaah!
Awesomeness: Is he your favorite brother?
BrattyBetty: No.  He's just a baby.
Awesomeness: Can ClumsyCalvin share your balloons.  You have two of them, so you can let him play with one.
BrattyBetty: No. He's just a baby.  He no play with balloons.
Awesomeness: Your brother was playing with that car.  You make him sad when you take things from him.
BrattyBetty: No. He no sad.  He's a baaaaaaby!

Nice to know she respects him as a person...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Third Night's A Charm?

Tonight was the night BillyBottleJunkie.  When I put you to bed, I was determined that I would not reward your crying with a bottle. 

No matter how angry you got. 
No matter how much snot your face got covered in. 
No matter how many blankets you threw on the floor.
No matter how many neighbors beat on the door telling us to tone it down.

45 minutes and 5,000 tears later, you're fast asleep.  I hope tomorrow is better for you.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Bottle Withdrawal

The signs of bottle withdrawal:

Ear shattering screams
Copious outpourings of mucus
Enough tears to drown a small rodent
Violent kicking of crib rails
Wanton destruction of nearby curtains
Unrestrained blanket tossing
Malicious wall-butting

If your child is exhibiting any of these signs, please administer the following:

One ear plug placed firmly in each ear
One firmly shut door between you and spazzing child
One shot of vodka

(All for you, by the way...)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Bottle Break 2010

It's time, Bottle-AholicBobby, to give it up.  You're 3 months shy of your 2nd birthday and you don't need the bottle to get you through the day anymore. 

You're proficient in your sippie usage, so no excuses there.  You're in a good sleep pattern that leaves you nice and tired at the end of the day, so no need to be soothed to sleep.

Last night you fooled me and I'm kinda pissed about getting tricked by an almost-2-year old.  I laid you down and you just went to sleep.  It did seem too easy and I should have known better, but you're really too cute to be considered devious, so I had high hopes for tonight.

I set you down in your bed and, "WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  I gave in and brought you a small bottle. 

B-ABobby: 1
Awesomeness: 1

So, we're all tied up tonight buddy, what's it going to be tomorrow?

Monday, May 3, 2010

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Anyone's Guess

What is this tantrum about? **turn your speakers down or off**

My guesses:
  • You didn't nap
  • You have a dirty diaper
  • You're hungry
  • You're cold
  • You're congested
  • You're teething
  • Your sister hurt your feelings
  • Your sister took a toy from you
  • You were stung by a bee
  • You got abducted by aliens and were subjected to an anal probe
  • Your guidance counselor recommended Arm Pit Sniffer
  • You are a cry-o-phile
  • You saw your Dada naked
  • You heard Wham! was getting back together
  • You saw one of those awful E*Trade baby commercials
  • You got locked in a dirty bathroom by a psychopath and had to saw off one of your feet
  • You recognized the 3rd sign of the apocalypse
  • No fucking reason whatsoever
I have eliminated all possibilities except that last one.