Parents' Time Out

I don't make friends easily.  Getting out of the house, outside of work, is damn-near impossible.  Getting out of the house without hubby or kids in tow: down-right impossible.  I'm also a bit of a spaz, which pretty much works like friend repellent.

Oh, also, I'm kind of an asshole.  Especially about other people being assholes. Some people refer to it as a negative attitude, but I'm actually very positive about the fact that I hate jerks.  See, I'm a super-shiny rainbow.

Anyway...

About 2 years ago, I was looking to connect with other parents that I could chit-chat with, share my experiences, learn from theirs, and whatever other things that people that like each other talk about.  I found a forum where I was neck deep in some kind of weird Mom-petition.  I didn't understand the rules or how to win. 

I posted questions; they got ignored.  I posted responses that I thought were insightful; I either got ignored or chastised for not following the strange script of semi-tolerant placating. It wasn't a very positive experience. 

I was about to give up, when someone posted a link to one of the best blogs I've ever read.  The series of posts that woman wrote crucified the Momzillas I'd been trying to fit in with and I loved every syllable of it.  Then I noticed a curious thing: the blog was connected to a forum.  No. Way.

It was there that I connected with a group of parents that I consider to be the best on the internet.  What makes them so special?  They don't judge.  They're super supportive.  They span a range of experiences in both birthing and raising children.  And they're REAL.  

We have parents who've adopted.  Parents who delivered naturally at home.  Moms who breastfeed and love it.  Moms who breastfeed and hate it.  Attachment parents.  Detachment parents.  Hell, we're even so cool, we have DADS on our "mommy" board.

Due to a few factors, this board died out.  A big part of that was because the amazing blog was no longer being updated.  Another huge factor: no new members.   This was depressing for me.  It meant that my only social interaction came from creating Sims and then making them talk to their friends.  I realized that this was no substitute for my online posse.

The last couple of weeks, I took matters into my own hands.  I've been hard at work creating a new playground for my motley group of misfit parents.  It would be amazing if you would check it out.  Join up, chat your ass off, have a blast, get to know this outstanding group of people that have helped me realize how normal a parent I really am:

http://parentstimeout.forumotion.com

Accessorizing Lunch

Lunchtime in our house is not usually a special occasion.  I make some sort of food and serve it up on a plate.  One kid picks at it for 3 hours.  The other kid dumps it on the floor, then eats it from under the table.

I've served the kids on a set of different-colored plastic plates for a long time now.  (Or when I forget to do dishes, the kids tend to eat from disposable Tupperware or .... ah, disposable Tupperware lids...)  The kids aren't usually that picky about the plate they get, so long as there's food on it.

Until today.

I made the kids some pancakes and took them to their table.  SnootySally got pancakes on a green plate and FrankyFoodGrabber got the blue plate.

SnootySally: This is not MY plate.  Mama, my plate is the blue plate, because blue is my favorite.
Awesomeness: It doesn't matter, honey, you have pancakes on your green plate and they're just the same as the ones on the blue plate.  Can I get you a blue cup instead?
SnootySally: No, I need the blue plate.
Awesomeness: You don't need the blue plate, you just like it better.
SnootySally: But, but...
Awesomeness: (my patience is taking a potty break) Don't say "but, but" to me.  You have pancakes; you have a fork, eat the damn pancakes.
SnootySally: But Mama, the blue plate matches my clothes and the green plate matches Franky's clothes.


Well, I'll be damned, they actually do.  Since Franky hadn't gotten to the table yet, and she hadn't touched her plate either, I switched.  I hope this doesn't start a matching trend.  I only have 5 colors.

Yeah, Bugs. What Were You Thinking?

LucyLooneyTunesFan has been obsessed with Looney Tunes lately.  It's cute.  Her favorite (right now) is Marvin the Martian.  She's apparently making plans to go to Mars and share a balloon with him...

Anyway, the one LTer who is on her naughty list right now: Bugs Bunny.  How did he end up annoying her?  Well, during one episode, he misses the left turn at Albuquerque (again) and ends up in a bull fighting ring.  He  pulls the usual Bugs Bunny bad ass moves and kicks the bull's butt.  At one point, Bugs starts making fun of the bull:

Bugs Bunny: What a nin-cow-poop!
LLTF: Cow poop?  No!  We don't say cow poop.  Cows are full of milk, not poop.

Oh, honey, I beg to differ.  I had an easier time affirming that the tooth fairy wasn't real.  I'll let her keep her cow theory for just a little while longer.

What Did I Miss Today?

Whenever I get home from work, I like to find out right away what kind of day my kids had.  Did they eat?  Did they nap?  Was there anything unusual that went on that day that I need to be aware of?

There are days, like today, when I wished I never asked.

Mr. Awesomeness: Oh, by the way, apparently our daughter has been either sticking something between her teeth or picking at her gums with her fingernails.  She's causing her gums to bleed because she wants the tooth fairy to come and leave her a present.

Awesomeness: ....what the.....?

Mr. Awesomeness: I already told her THERE IS NO TOOTH FAIRY.

ToothFairyCarrie: Aaaaaawwww!

Wow, I just got home.  Home to an emo four-year-old who's getting yelled at for believing in the tooth fairy.  Parenting books don't prepare you for this moment.  Maybe one of these days, I'll write a parenting book that does.

Anyway, so I'm trying to smooth this over with reason.

Awesomeness: Honey, I'm sorry you're disappointed about the tooth fairy.  You need your teeth, though.  Your teeth help you eat.  It's very hard to eat when your teeth are gone.

ToothFairyCarrie: Aaaaawwww!  But Mama...."

Is this really an, "Aaaaawww!  But Mama...." subject?

Can I go back to work now please?

You Never Come Over Anymore...

It's a frequent complaint of our childless friends.  I'm sure every parent has heard it at some point.  Beyond the usual tired excuse of it being a big hassle to pack kids up and get them out to someone else's house, there is another reason.  A good one.

Destruction.

There's only so much of it that you can curtail.  I don't care how good a parent you are, kids are kids.  Especially when you consider that there are many different types of destruction.  My kids hit them all at the Superbowl party we went to.

Destruction of Peace

• Terrible twos=terrible tantrums.  I was actually considering taking my son home early on in the visit. Five minutes in the door he started crying like someone kicked his favorite Wonder Pet.  He missed nap time though, and I thought that once he slept for a little while, he'd be just fine.  He did okay until he emptied out a 64-count box of crayons onto the floor and we took them away.  He was hitting his head on the floor (carpeted, doesn't have the same effect as it does at home, where our floors are made of laminate material), kicking everyone that tried to touch him and screaming bloody murder the whole time.  He did this in the middle of the game.

Destruction of Person

• One fat lip for a little girl, courtesy of my son's rock head.
• He got as good as he gave though, as an elbow ended up meeting his face at some point.
• One of our friends is about the right height that, when my son comes barreling around a corner, his rock head catches the friend right in the...rocks.

Destruction of Property

• An unknown quantity of Disney Princess accessories disappeared yesterday.  I know my son ate one princess shoe and attempted to also swallow a ring.  I saved it, but it's mangled now.  Beyond those, I don't have a clue until he passes it all.  I'm sure that we'll have some explaining to do if he poops at school tomorrow.
• A personal journal.  Hope they liked my daughter's pictures of Purple Kangaroo.  On every page.  She did it in pencil, so it was easily erased, but she's a heavy-fisted artist, so you can still see the impressions.
• A pool table.  Remember just a sentence ago, when I said that my girl got ahold of a pencil?  Yeah.  Our friend's pool table has light tan felt covering it.  Now it has some lovely artwork covering it as well.  We worked with our friend to clean it as thoroughly as possible, but the cleaners he had there couldn't get it out.  We took our walk of shame out the door the second the game ended.

Next year, we already have plans to stay home.  I'm sure we won't be invited back anyway, so it shouldn't be an issue.

Name That Dog

NamelessNancy has always had a hard time with names.  She didn't learn her own until she was 3.  All of her best friends at school are named Boy and Girl.  Sometimes the parents get really fancy and name their kid Thatoneboy or Theothergirl.

One exercise that we do with her, is challenge her to name her stuff animals.  We might remember that we've had some success when she named her stuffed bunny Pervert Manager Herbert Nininger.  Tonight, we had another victory with the naming of, not one, but two of her puppies.

The one with light pink spots is named Otter.

The one with dark pink spots is named Effer.

Effer?

Anaconda Rides: $2.00

RubyRoughRider: Um, Mama.
Awesomeness: Um, Ruby.  (This is how most of our conversations start nowadays.)
RubyRoughRider: Kitty is too small.

This statement makes me nervous.

Awesomeness: Kitty is too small for what, honey?
RubyRoughRider: Kitty is too small to sit on.
Awesomeness: Yes, honey.  You shouldn't sit on the cat.  She's too small to ride and you could really hurt her.
RubyRoughRider: But I can ride a anaconda.
Awesomeness:  ...I suppose... (Who am I to crush her dreams?)
RubyRoughRider: Anaconda is big and I can ride and you can ride and I pay $2.00 and you pay $2.00.

I don't even know what to say to that.

She is still telling me about the anaconda.

Apparently he makes the noise, "Eeep, eeep."  He also makes a swish, swish.

She is literally in my face right now telling me this.  It's a good thing I took 4 years of typing.

2 a.m.

I like to be asleep at 2 a.m., Mr.BlabbyBobby.  Instead, this morning I woke to the sound of your happy chatting.  I was about to go back to sleep when you started yelling:

Bye!  Byyyyyyyyyyyye!  Bye!

For half an hour.

I know if I go into your room to quiet you, I'm going to end up either listening to you cry for an hour or putting you to sleep with me.  Happy chatting and bye-byes are much better than either of those alternatives.

If your daddy heard you, he could have put an end to it, but he left his ears in his other pants last night.  Do it again tonight, kid, and I will wake up your daddy and sic him on you.

Now I'm off for some coffee and NoDoz.

Bad Liars + Batteries = Bath Time

GretaGameJunkie got a new Leapster for Christmas.  She packs that thing around with her wherever she goes.  I will say that those things are probably the best thing that ever happened to the battery industry.  I'm not sure that it keeps a charge for an entire week of play.

The point is, Mr. Awesomeness gets tired of replacing the batteries so often and will often lie to Greta about what it will entail to fix her game.  Some days he's a better liar than others.  Today, he just got real lazy.

GretaGameJunkie: Daddy, I need some batteries for my game.
Mr. Awesomeness: Um, we're out of batteries.
GretaGameJunkie: Aaaaaaaw!

Greta, heartbroken, decides to come out and complain.  I heard what her dad said, so I was ready to support his laziness.

GretaGameJunkie: Daddy said there's no more batteries for my game.
Awesomeness:  I'm very sorry that we don't have any batteries.
GretaGameJunkie: But I need them!
Awesomeness: Are those tears?
GretaGameJunkie: Yeah...I need more batteries.
Awesomeness: Are your tears turning into batteries?
GretaGameJunkie: No, Mama.  I need Daddy to get my batteries.
Awesomeness: Did Daddy say we have lots and lots of batteries?
GretaGameJunkie: Yes.  We have lots and lots of batteries.
Awesomeness: Where do we have lots and lots of batteries?
GretaGameJunkie: (immediately perking up) In the drawer, I'll go get them.
Awesomeness: (dammit!)

Sure enough.  Lots and lots of batteries just where we always keep them.  As soon as he heard that she was running after the drawer full of batteries, Mr. Awesomeness ducked out of his office.

Mr. Awesomeness: You can't just tell her there's no batteries?
Awesomeness: Dude, she fact-checked me.  Really, that was a bad lie.  Bad battery liars have to give the kids a bath tonight.

Guess who's giving the kids a bath while I'm typing out this post...

I cannot believe that worked.

Cookie Monster

Every year, Mr. A's boss gives him a tin of Kirkland European cookies.  It takes  us an eternity to finish off these tins because we're not huge cookie eaters. (I mean that both figuratively and literally.)  Never fear, CalvinCookieMonster has been making a vehement volunteer pitch to help move this along.

Just yesterday, it started as soon as he woke up:

Awesomeness: Good morning sunshine!  Did you have good sleeps? (don't judge, he's a 2-year old)
Calvin: *excitedly jumping up and down*  COOKIE!
Awesomeness: No, baby, we don't eat cookies right now.

We have the tin out on the breakfast bar (which I know is mighty contradictory to the fact that we don't eat them for breakfast) and every time anyone walked over that way:

Calvin: COOKIE!

I would ask if he was hungry, and he would get excited and run over to the breakfast bar:

Calvin: COOKIE! COOKIE! COOKIE!

At one point, yesterday, there were 4 adults standing near the cookie tin.  Calvin must have thought that, surely, one of us could get him what he needed.

Calvin: COOKIE!  COOKIE!  COOKIE!

This did not end well.  As soon as the four of us moved away without producing a single cookie for him, he melted down into a screaming, kicking fit.  Thankfully, our company thought it was funny in a pathetic way and were not planning to stay for very long.

Today, we are hiding the cookie tin.