Bottle Withdrawal

The signs of bottle withdrawal:

Ear shattering screams
Copious outpourings of mucus
Enough tears to drown a small rodent
Violent kicking of crib rails
Wanton destruction of nearby curtains
Unrestrained blanket tossing
Malicious wall-butting

If your child is exhibiting any of these signs, please administer the following:

One ear plug placed firmly in each ear
One firmly shut door between you and spazzing child
One shot of vodka

(All for you, by the way...)

Bottle Break 2010

It's time, Bottle-AholicBobby, to give it up.  You're 3 months shy of your 2nd birthday and you don't need the bottle to get you through the day anymore. 

You're proficient in your sippie usage, so no excuses there.  You're in a good sleep pattern that leaves you nice and tired at the end of the day, so no need to be soothed to sleep.

Last night you fooled me and I'm kinda pissed about getting tricked by an almost-2-year old.  I laid you down and you just went to sleep.  It did seem too easy and I should have known better, but you're really too cute to be considered devious, so I had high hopes for tonight.

I set you down in your bed and, "WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  I gave in and brought you a small bottle. 

B-ABobby: 1
Awesomeness: 1

So, we're all tied up tonight buddy, what's it going to be tomorrow?

It's Your Birthday, Sassypants!

Happy 4th birthday!  You sure have made this last year interesting. 

Anyone's Guess

What is this tantrum about? **turn your speakers down or off**



My guesses:

• You didn't nap
• You have a dirty diaper
• You're hungry
• You're cold
• You're congested
• You're teething
• Your sister hurt your feelings
• Your sister took a toy from you
• You were stung by a bee
• You got abducted by aliens and were subjected to an anal probe
• Your guidance counselor recommended Arm Pit Sniffer
• You are a cry-o-phile
• You saw your Dada naked
• You heard Wham! was getting back together
• You saw one of those awful E*Trade baby commercials
• You got locked in a dirty bathroom by a psychopath and had to saw off one of your feet
• You recognized the 3rd sign of the apocalypse
• No fucking reason whatsoever

I have eliminated all possibilities except that last one.

You Wanna Huh?

Last night:

MaggieMovieBuff: Mama, mama!  I wanna watch dis moobie!  

Awesomeness: .... Uh, that's Boondock Saints.  I'm not sure you'll like that one.

MaggieMovieBuff: I lubba dis moobie!! I wanna watch dis one .... puhleeeese.

Awesomeness: I'm going to Mommy Hell for this, but okay.

The theory was that she would hate it 5 minutes in and we would watch Wall-E or something instead.  We watched until I remembered the cat scene... Anyway, now I know that she will call my bluff, so I'll be a little more "voice of reason" the next time this comes up.

Tonight:

MaggieMovieBuff: Mama! Can I watch dis moobie again?

Awesomeness: No baby, let's watch something different.  We, uh, watched that movie last night.

MaggieMovieBuff: Mama, can I see Iron Man?

Awesomeness: Iron Man?

I should have known.  We were talking about it this morning.  It was her latest "guy" and I made the mistake of mentioning he had a movie.  I really need to remember that 3-year olds have longer memories than I expect.

And so much for "voice of reason".  We're now watching Iron Man.

MaggieMovieBuff: Where Iron Man?  Iron Man hiding...

Miscellaneous Stuff From The Week

InkyIrma Gets First Tattoo

Where in the hell were these things when I was a kid?  There were some temporary tattoos, but back in my day, "temporary" meant: This might not even last until the backing peels off.  This thing has been on her arm now for 4 days and it's still going strong.  It's been through bathtime and everything.  Spoiled-ass kids.  I might not have felt the need to get real tattoos if I knew about these things.

BabyGaGa Comes Out Of The Closet

Yup, those are his sister's stripey pink training pants.

You Found What? And Did What?

  

Awesomeness: What did you do today, honey?

DollyDigDug: I play in the yard and dig in the dirt!

Awesomeness: Wow!  What else did you do?

DollyDigDug: I find bugs in the dirt.

Awesomeness: How many bugs did you find?

DollyDigDug: One, two, three, four.  I find four bugs.

Awesomeness: That's totally cool!  What else did you find in the dirt?

DollyDigDug: I find chocolate in the dirt.

Awesomeness: ...chocolate?

DollyDigDug: I find chocolate and I eat it.

Awesomeness: I hope that was chocolate...

Billy Goat

Hey, BillyGoatBoy! Enough with the head butting.  I don't know where you picked this up, but you're going to end up in a plastic gerbil ball if it doesn't quit.  (My theory based on my lack of experience with boys -- read into that whatever you like -- is that it has to be a boy thing.)

You've hit me so hard in the mouth you've drawn blood and I thought one of my teeth was knocked loose.  I also thought you'd broken my nose on more than one occasion.  I have actually told my coworkers that if I show up to work with a black eye, broken nose or swollen lip, not to call the cops on my husband.  It's just little BamBam.  It was very embarrassing to admit that my 20-month old beats me up.

I thought you'd finally managed a trip to hospital tonight.  You threw a full-on tantrum running at me head first.  Unfortunately you timed this perfectly with my opening the refrigerator door.  You've got a lump on your head so big now that your great-grandmother is referring to you as "The Unicorn".

Unicorns are not manly, bro.

Eeeew Mama!

I'm sitting on the couch, staring ineffectively at my Blogger Dashboard.  I'm procrastinating posting because _____insert lame reason here_____ when...

LuluLoveBug comes up and gives me a great big hug.  Awwww....  Then proceeds to tell me:

Eeeew Mama!  You hair is disgusting.  It smells dirty.  Bleh.

Apparently my Day 3 hair is grossing out my 3-year old.  I'm going to go shower.

The Giant Chocolate Bunny Massacre

Dada: The Hero

Dada!  I wanna go ni-ni now!

Her Dada's response:

Sweetie, you can go ni-ni in about 10 minutes.  Dada has to kill all of these monsters here to help save the Earth.

Psssst...dude, you're playing WoW.  I'm sure it doesn't even take place on the Earth.