Parents' Time Out

I don't make friends easily.  Getting out of the house, outside of work, is damn-near impossible.  Getting out of the house without hubby or kids in tow: down-right impossible.  I'm also a bit of a spaz, which pretty much works like friend repellent.

Oh, also, I'm kind of an asshole.  Especially about other people being assholes. Some people refer to it as a negative attitude, but I'm actually very positive about the fact that I hate jerks.  See, I'm a super-shiny rainbow.

Anyway...

About 2 years ago, I was looking to connect with other parents that I could chit-chat with, share my experiences, learn from theirs, and whatever other things that people that like each other talk about.  I found a forum where I was neck deep in some kind of weird Mom-petition.  I didn't understand the rules or how to win. 

I posted questions; they got ignored.  I posted responses that I thought were insightful; I either got ignored or chastised for not following the strange script of semi-tolerant placating. It wasn't a very positive experience. 

I was about to give up, when someone posted a link to one of the best blogs I've ever read.  The series of posts that woman wrote crucified the Momzillas I'd been trying to fit in with and I loved every syllable of it.  Then I noticed a curious thing: the blog was connected to a forum.  No. Way.

It was there that I connected with a group of parents that I consider to be the best on the internet.  What makes them so special?  They don't judge.  They're super supportive.  They span a range of experiences in both birthing and raising children.  And they're REAL.  

We have parents who've adopted.  Parents who delivered naturally at home.  Moms who breastfeed and love it.  Moms who breastfeed and hate it.  Attachment parents.  Detachment parents.  Hell, we're even so cool, we have DADS on our "mommy" board.

Due to a few factors, this board died out.  A big part of that was because the amazing blog was no longer being updated.  Another huge factor: no new members.   This was depressing for me.  It meant that my only social interaction came from creating Sims and then making them talk to their friends.  I realized that this was no substitute for my online posse.

The last couple of weeks, I took matters into my own hands.  I've been hard at work creating a new playground for my motley group of misfit parents.  It would be amazing if you would check it out.  Join up, chat your ass off, have a blast, get to know this outstanding group of people that have helped me realize how normal a parent I really am:

http://parentstimeout.forumotion.com

Accessorizing Lunch

Lunchtime in our house is not usually a special occasion.  I make some sort of food and serve it up on a plate.  One kid picks at it for 3 hours.  The other kid dumps it on the floor, then eats it from under the table.

I've served the kids on a set of different-colored plastic plates for a long time now.  (Or when I forget to do dishes, the kids tend to eat from disposable Tupperware or .... ah, disposable Tupperware lids...)  The kids aren't usually that picky about the plate they get, so long as there's food on it.

Until today.

I made the kids some pancakes and took them to their table.  SnootySally got pancakes on a green plate and FrankyFoodGrabber got the blue plate.

SnootySally: This is not MY plate.  Mama, my plate is the blue plate, because blue is my favorite.
Awesomeness: It doesn't matter, honey, you have pancakes on your green plate and they're just the same as the ones on the blue plate.  Can I get you a blue cup instead?
SnootySally: No, I need the blue plate.
Awesomeness: You don't need the blue plate, you just like it better.
SnootySally: But, but...
Awesomeness: (my patience is taking a potty break) Don't say "but, but" to me.  You have pancakes; you have a fork, eat the damn pancakes.
SnootySally: But Mama, the blue plate matches my clothes and the green plate matches Franky's clothes.


Well, I'll be damned, they actually do.  Since Franky hadn't gotten to the table yet, and she hadn't touched her plate either, I switched.  I hope this doesn't start a matching trend.  I only have 5 colors.

Yeah, Bugs. What Were You Thinking?

LucyLooneyTunesFan has been obsessed with Looney Tunes lately.  It's cute.  Her favorite (right now) is Marvin the Martian.  She's apparently making plans to go to Mars and share a balloon with him...

Anyway, the one LTer who is on her naughty list right now: Bugs Bunny.  How did he end up annoying her?  Well, during one episode, he misses the left turn at Albuquerque (again) and ends up in a bull fighting ring.  He  pulls the usual Bugs Bunny bad ass moves and kicks the bull's butt.  At one point, Bugs starts making fun of the bull:

Bugs Bunny: What a nin-cow-poop!
LLTF: Cow poop?  No!  We don't say cow poop.  Cows are full of milk, not poop.

Oh, honey, I beg to differ.  I had an easier time affirming that the tooth fairy wasn't real.  I'll let her keep her cow theory for just a little while longer.

What Did I Miss Today?

Whenever I get home from work, I like to find out right away what kind of day my kids had.  Did they eat?  Did they nap?  Was there anything unusual that went on that day that I need to be aware of?

There are days, like today, when I wished I never asked.

Mr. Awesomeness: Oh, by the way, apparently our daughter has been either sticking something between her teeth or picking at her gums with her fingernails.  She's causing her gums to bleed because she wants the tooth fairy to come and leave her a present.

Awesomeness: ....what the.....?

Mr. Awesomeness: I already told her THERE IS NO TOOTH FAIRY.

ToothFairyCarrie: Aaaaaawwww!

Wow, I just got home.  Home to an emo four-year-old who's getting yelled at for believing in the tooth fairy.  Parenting books don't prepare you for this moment.  Maybe one of these days, I'll write a parenting book that does.

Anyway, so I'm trying to smooth this over with reason.

Awesomeness: Honey, I'm sorry you're disappointed about the tooth fairy.  You need your teeth, though.  Your teeth help you eat.  It's very hard to eat when your teeth are gone.

ToothFairyCarrie: Aaaaawwww!  But Mama...."

Is this really an, "Aaaaawww!  But Mama...." subject?

Can I go back to work now please?

You Never Come Over Anymore...

It's a frequent complaint of our childless friends.  I'm sure every parent has heard it at some point.  Beyond the usual tired excuse of it being a big hassle to pack kids up and get them out to someone else's house, there is another reason.  A good one.

Destruction.

There's only so much of it that you can curtail.  I don't care how good a parent you are, kids are kids.  Especially when you consider that there are many different types of destruction.  My kids hit them all at the Superbowl party we went to.

Destruction of Peace

• Terrible twos=terrible tantrums.  I was actually considering taking my son home early on in the visit. Five minutes in the door he started crying like someone kicked his favorite Wonder Pet.  He missed nap time though, and I thought that once he slept for a little while, he'd be just fine.  He did okay until he emptied out a 64-count box of crayons onto the floor and we took them away.  He was hitting his head on the floor (carpeted, doesn't have the same effect as it does at home, where our floors are made of laminate material), kicking everyone that tried to touch him and screaming bloody murder the whole time.  He did this in the middle of the game.

Destruction of Person

• One fat lip for a little girl, courtesy of my son's rock head.
• He got as good as he gave though, as an elbow ended up meeting his face at some point.
• One of our friends is about the right height that, when my son comes barreling around a corner, his rock head catches the friend right in the...rocks.

Destruction of Property

• An unknown quantity of Disney Princess accessories disappeared yesterday.  I know my son ate one princess shoe and attempted to also swallow a ring.  I saved it, but it's mangled now.  Beyond those, I don't have a clue until he passes it all.  I'm sure that we'll have some explaining to do if he poops at school tomorrow.
• A personal journal.  Hope they liked my daughter's pictures of Purple Kangaroo.  On every page.  She did it in pencil, so it was easily erased, but she's a heavy-fisted artist, so you can still see the impressions.
• A pool table.  Remember just a sentence ago, when I said that my girl got ahold of a pencil?  Yeah.  Our friend's pool table has light tan felt covering it.  Now it has some lovely artwork covering it as well.  We worked with our friend to clean it as thoroughly as possible, but the cleaners he had there couldn't get it out.  We took our walk of shame out the door the second the game ended.

Next year, we already have plans to stay home.  I'm sure we won't be invited back anyway, so it shouldn't be an issue.