The signs of bottle withdrawal:
Ear shattering screams
Copious outpourings of mucus
Enough tears to drown a small rodent
Violent kicking of crib rails
Wanton destruction of nearby curtains
Unrestrained blanket tossing
Malicious wall-butting
If your child is exhibiting any of these signs, please administer the following:
One ear plug placed firmly in each ear
One firmly shut door between you and spazzing child
One shot of vodka
(All for you, by the way...)
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