Ahoy Captain Ridiculous!

Are you ready to assume your new position BabyFormerlyKnownAsHappyBoy? Here are your Captain Ridiculous duties:

• Stay up until midnight -- at the earliest -- every night. No exception.
• Refuse to eat unless someone is holding you. Make sure you mix this up with refusing to eat if someone is holding you. This is crucial for maximum confusion and frustration.
• Only play with things that will hurt or kill you. Nothing else is all that much fun anyway. Especially if someone paid good money for it. Paying good money for toys when there are perfectly good forks laying around is just silly.
• When you're being held, scream and squirm as much as possible. Then when you're put down, scream louder and throw yourself back, so your parents have to quickly pick you back up before you crack your head on the floor. They love this. It's good exercise.
• Speaking of screaming, make sure that you always do it at a decibel level that will alert the entire neighborhood to your displeasure. Maybe one of those guys will know why you're screaming so loud that Mama's ears are bleeding.
• Mama's laptop is the best toy ever. That's why she plays on it so much. It's fun to pound on the keyboard. It's even more fun to pull on the monitor while Mama's typing. Unplugging it, then chewing on the plug is the ultimate fun.
• Confuse your parents often with deep eye rubs followed by vehement sleep protests. Lack of sleep is good for you. It will grow hair on your chest.
• Dinner is your enemy. Make sure it never gets cooked. Distract Mama and Dada by combining the "crying while clinging to pants" technique learned earlier this year with perennial favorite, "making fake choking noises."
• If you do find yourself in the unfortunate position of almost falling asleep, quickly turn your head to dislodge the bottle. This will give you that extra jolt you need to completely wake up for at least another hour.

Your job is a difficult and thankless one. Good luck Captain.